"Mrs. Incredibly Gorgeous oh so Famous Abigail Newton the Miraculous," yelled the director.
"Um, yes...what can I do for ya? I'm in the middle of my butt lift videos 'cause my cellulite is draggin'...I didn't think it was possible, but it is!" I scream back.
"No, Perfect Abigail! You must stop at once!! You are not near fat enough for this role. I demand you to eat these ten boxes of oatmeal pies. I will fire you if there is evidence that you have been lifting your butt!! Go on now, take this complete set of Sex and the City DVDs, and be gone at once. Do nothing but watch hours of tv and eat. Once you are finished with the oatmeal pies, I'll bring in Ham and Cheese Hot Pockets...not Lean Pockets...HOT POCKETS, and you must eat them all!!!"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO....why me?!?!?!?!?!?!? Oh wait...don't workout, eat all I want!!! YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS....go me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
And then I wake up in a cold sweat with an empty jar of peanut butter while gnawing on my cat's leg. Pffftttt...how could eating not be fun? It's my favorite hobby! My favorite hobby used to be working out, but that was cursed with having an amazing body, being healthier overall, having the willpower to say no, understanding the rights and wrongs of the health industry, and rocking killer legs with a nice, tight booty that won me my husband. Besides landing me an amazing husband, why would I want a body like that...it's boring!!! Okay, can you tell I'm a bit in denial?
My body has changed dramatically, and it's all because of my new found hobby of nonstop eating. In my last post, I said that I was starting over. Be proud of me because I did and I am still doing so. I was so scared for the longest time to try something new because I thought I knew what was best for me. Well, as this year has progressed, I have proven to myself that I don't know jack about jill, and it's time for me to get educated on something else. I decided that I needed to try something brand new, something that I have never even tried to look at because I knew I would fail epically...Low Carb Diet!!
"What???? Abigail, how could you????"
I know, I know, but I just want to see what happens.
"You know what's going to happen. You're going to lose all this weight, and then one day decide to eat a piece of bread. You'll eat that bread, and you're body and waistline will explode quicker than a Mentos in a shaken Diet Coke!"
And if that happens, so be it. But I want to learn about this kind of lifestyle. I want to see what other habits, ideas, and recipes I can adopt from trying something this extreme.
"Kit-Kats are carbs! What are you going to do about that...?"
And this is the beauty of the diet...I can eat all the Kit Kats I want on Saturdays! Back to my favorite hobby!!!
My husband introduced me to this diet called the Slow Carb Diet out of the book The 4 Hour Body written by Tim Ferriss; you may have heard of his other book The 4 Hour Work Week. I have read the book, and it is too interesting not to try. I was skeptical at first. I told Reuben that I did not believe in any book that says fruit and dairy are bad for you. But it's not so much about that; it's more about what your body truly needs to function. This man pointed out what I fear for myself everyday: we've lost the ritual of eating because we need to, we eat because we want to. I now understand the difference between the need and the want. I'll go into those details in a later post. Anyway, I watch my husband try this diet...three weeks later and seventeen pounds lighter, I'm like, "Sign me up, now!"And so he gave me the book and his best wishes. The diet is simple:
"Rule #1: Avoid “white” carbohydrates (or anything that can be white).
Rule #2: Eat the same few meals over and over again.
Rule #3: Don’t drink calories.
Rule #4: Don’t eat fruit.
Rule #5: Take one day off per week and go nuts." (Tim Ferriss, The 4 Hour Body)
I have been doing this diet for one week tomorrow. Tomorrow I will weigh in, and I will write an instant update on my weight and my thoughts for this past week. I'm not gonna lie; this week was rough. Reuben had to work nights this last week, so I barely got to see him. And then on top of that Aunt Flow came and brought Uzi in her suitcase. To put it mathematically: Period + No Carbs - my husband = death and destruction and move out the way and is that a doughnut and bawling uncontrollably and come here kitty cat just let me love you and omg I will kill you and I hate this salad and do not look at my face and is it time to eat yet and my jeans hurt and Mrs. Newton is not in the mood and I hate today and thank God for sugar free jello and..........
Sooooo....I'm hoping for some sort of results tomorrow. Reuben has had amazing results, and I've seen him have two cheat days already. It's ridiculous what this man ate! I made his Triple Chocolate Reese Cup Fudge Cake, we call it "his" because that's what I make on his birthdays, for this past cheat day. He got to eat it!!! And, sigh, I got to watch. But my day is coming soon enough...I will show Renee Zellweger that eating ten of anything is not only fun, but probably one of the best parts of life.
Alright, warning time, bathing suit pictures of the current me. I really wanted to go all the way with this and take weekly or bi weekly pictures to see if this diet is actually making changes on my body. Here's the first set...I've not yet had a second set made. I figured that even if I flake out of this diet, I'll have motivation to do whatever it takes to get a good second set of pics, so people don't remember me this way. Oh bless...here they are:
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| July 8, 2012...those thighs are BFFs |
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| Saddle bags? More like vomit bags... |
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| Doughy...I'm all doughy |
Well, I have officially exposed myself....I'm sorry for any reoccurring nightmares that might be related to such images. But I can assure you, be ready to see some change...
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