As promised I told you that I was going to deliver a reflection on my previous post A Month of Estrogen. First of all, if I have twenty people on average reading each post then I'd say at least fifteen people are saying, "Well, it's obvious why you didn't succeed, Abigail. You're not trying hard enough, and you're not taking it seriously." I imagine this group of people talking in an old school British accent while puffing on their pipe, squinting through their monocle, and twisting the end of their mustache. Six people would tune in and say, "Uhhh, isn't Insanity a nine week program, and you've been doing it for three months? Something is off there, Abigail. The program only works if you follow it exactly." These people are having this thought while doing one handed push-ups on parallell bars with weights strapped to their belt and an IV of protein going straight into their jugular. Seven people closed out the post because they accidentally clicked on the link. Two people had no comment but understood at least two days in the post. Thirteen people got drunk. A cat gave itself a cute little bath where it licks its paws and bathes her face...oh, that's so cute. But most importantly, one person had an epiphany. Okay, so I know that's more than twenty, but you should know my math skills are nonexistent.
I am the one who had an epiphany. I was dead serious when I started this little journey of trying to get to a point where I didn't feel like The Thing, and you saw exactly how it went. Sure, it looks like I didn't succeed. I am about five pounds heavier, and on the weekends or this here Christmas break, I have no reason to put on makeup or a bra before noon if at all. My level of production is hibernating and I haven't worked out in almost three weeks. Unless you count snowboarding....pain, so much pain. But, if you remember, in my opening paragraph I was focusing on being comfortable with me when I'm around my husband. I am never comfortable with me. I hate my body right now and all the new bulges that it has gained. My once tone muscles are turning flabby like; I'm scared to get caught in a windstorm because my flab will get shoot out like a flying squirrel and wooosh, there I go. My clothes do not fit, they hurt. I get winded when I eat too fast. What is happening to me? How did I let myself get to this place?
When I first met my husband, I was at my all time thinnest. I pranced around in shorts and didn't feel the need to suck in my gut. I think I literally strutted when I was around him. I was feeling bad that he signed on for that girl and he got this girl. I feel like I owe it to him to be the girl he met, and the epiphany I had is that I am so much better than that girl, or at least that's how he makes me feel. When we first met, I was so uppity about the sides that I would let him see. Every girl is like that, though. We have those mornings where we literally look in the mirror and thank God for Cover Girl and John Frieda because without those, we'd scare young children. That was the side I was trying so hard to hide, but the first time he got a glimpse of morning Abigail, I never felt more beautiful. There isn't a single day where my husband doesn't compliment me, hug me, kiss me, hold me, laugh with me, play with me, snuggle me, or tell me how special I am to him. My husband makes me feel appreciated and noticed, and genuinely makes me feel like the only girl in the world...sorry, Rihanna. I am a better person because he has seen every side of me and still loves and accepts me, and I've never felt better about myself. He sees me, and no one else.
I feel amazing around my husband; in fact, when I'm around him is when I feel the most comfortable because when I feel my worst, he can say one thing that will automatically make me feel my best. He understands, though, how I feel uncomfortable with my body, but that's all brought on by me, not him. So to create a goal with wanting to feel comfortable with myself in front of my husband was silly and thoughtless; I already do, everyday, hence the "failure" of my one month plan. If I had a different goal in mind, then something may have happened, I dunno. Maybe I would have turned into a supermodel with a rock hard body and became six inches taller with a gajabillion dollar contract for representing kimchi ads. But no, realizing that my husband loves me and finds me beautiful at this weight was reason enough for me to continue with my frumpy no make-up, no bra, all sweat pants and coffee cup look.
I often think that when goals are not completed, there is a wrong factor in the equation. Next time you set out to do something, does the cause match the effect? The only reason I am going to succeed with anything is if I use the right motivator. And if I am using how my husband makes me feel to motivate me to try to get better, that will never have an end result because I already feel the best I ever have even if I don't look it.
I love you, Reuben, thank you for fixing a damaged girl.
Other lessons learned...
Never pass up a morning to snuggle your spouse
It's not a good idea to have mixed drinks on Tuesday night
Sometimes it's okay to take a mental health day
It's not a good idea to have mixed drinks on Wednesday night
Use hand sanitizer often when in a Kindergarten classroom
It's possible to bruise a butt crack, this is also hilarious
Find a workout you enjoy to where it doesn't feel like a chore
Korean BBQ is better than Waffle House at two in the morning
Santa Claus Birthday cakes trump all other birthday cakes
Robes = ahhhhhhhh yyyyeeeeaaaahhhhh
Cramps always suck
Egg whites are delicious all the time
Do not start on the hardest mountain if you've never snowboarded before
Kinect games are amazing
I have the best life ever...
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Monday, December 19, 2011
A Month of Estrogen
It's 6:15 a.m. on 11/21/2011, and I just got side tracked with the amount of '1's in the date...hmmm...I don't know why that is so intriguing to me. Anyway, today is the first day of a one month journey to recreating my self-worth. There is a back story to this, and as any of my previous students can tell you, there always is: I was driving around town the other day, which I try often not to do because certain Koreans live in the world of Nascar, and while I was fearing for my life and the life of the side mirrors on Cecil (our Patherfinder's name), I heard an add on the radio. The Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders will be visiting this area starting December 19. They are going to visit the soldiers and tour the area for about a week. Usually, I would be super stoked upon hearing such incredible news, but I found myself with a heavy heart because my heavy gut was being cut in half by the seat belt. I can barely watch a movie with any attractive girl in it without wanting to rip my face off more or less meeting/stalking a group of incredible women. That's it! I am putting my foot down once and for all. I cannot live like this. It's exhausting to me and to my husband who always has to pick up the broken pieces of Abigail surrounded by cake crumbs and pickle seeds. I will work my four butts off to find that personal acceptance and happiness. I dub today the first day of Operation Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders aka Operation I Hate Megan Fox. I will write daily about my workout/meals/mindset. I'll keep it brief, but honest, so here we go:
Week 1
11/21 (6:26 a.m.): I missed my morning workout; good start, Abigail. However, I'm lovin' this egg samich!!
(5:18 p.m.): Just completed my Insanity workout (2 video day). I properly fueled up with fruit and veggies for a snack, and then some oatmeal for lunch. Okay, okay, and two tater tots made it into the equation...and a bite of cake, but it was good cake!
(?:?? p.m.): Pasta and Kit-Kat...shoot me in the face.
Alrighty, Abigail, let's try this again.
11/22 (Blah p.m.): The day went really well when it came to making good decisions. Unfortunately, I didn't have a chance to workout once! I've been busy in the kitchen all night, literally from after school to eleven tonight. Goodnight.
11/23 (7:45 a.m.): Okay, okay, yummy egg sammie means it's GO TIME!
(4:10 p.m.): Had an incredible workout today with Insanity and some Abigail Zumba. No food for the rest of the day. All this tasting of TGiving foods has made one full belly. I did learn an important lesson today, though: Koreans do not like gravy.
11/24 -11/27 (does the time matter?): Shame...
The week of Thanksgiving may not have been the best time to make such a bogus promise to myself.
Week 2
11/28 (8:00 p.m.) I had a really good day, and I renewed my vows with WeightWatchers by activating my account once again. BTW: Boca Burgers = delishiosoness! (I had fun working out with my Jessica!!!)
11/29 (6:15 p.m.) Rainy day equals inside workouts all day: Insanity, Jillian Michaels, and Pilates. We finally finished the TGiving leftovers, and who knew stuffing had that many points...blah. But, now all of the temptations are out of the house!
11/30 (9:26 a.m.) I just finished my oatmeal on this dark, rainy day. It's a good thing we don't have a cat because I just wanna snuggle alllllllllllll day. My abs are freakin' sore as all get out; I must have done something right.
(12:26 p.m.) Once again, I did my rainy day routine: Insanity, Jillian Michaels, and Pilates. Whoa, I just noticed that the minutes on my time match...weird.
12/1 (8:43 p.m.) Today was full of great news, so I was able to tackle Insanity, Jillian Michaels, and Pilates with an incredible attitude. Once I coerced my downstairs neighbor to have dinner with us, which included her brining a bunch of yummy veggies, we had a very healthy dinner!! Feeling great!
12/2 (5:57 a.m.) I was totally awake a 4:15 this morning, so I could get my workout in. My husband had his arm across me either out of love or or attempted murder by strangulation for keeping my alarm on repeat; regardless, I couldn't bring myself to move his arm. I inched in closer, thankful to have him by my side. I did not go back to sleep, but I used that time to count my blessings.
(8:45 p.m.) I just had all of my points for the next two weeks, and I didn't workout today...blah.
12/3 (12:44 p.m.) My husband bought me a robe...all hope is lost.
(2:23 a.m.) Let's be honest, any decision made at two in the morning on a Saturday can't be good...fun, but not good :)
12/4 (1:15 p.m.) Shut your mouth about that freaking two hour workout. It was crazy, actually, more like Insane. Sorry, Jessica, (downstairs neighbor) for the plyometrics today.
This week went a little bit better. Everything always seems to fall apart at the weekend, but it's all in good fun. This week, however, I'm starting to understand just how much my husband loves me; it's unreal how great that feeling is. Working out and dieting doesn't make me comfortable with who I am, but he does.
Week 3
12/5 (6:24 a.m.) I am my mother's daughter because I woke up at 4:15 to workout, but the house was too messy from all of the Christmas kitchen goodies made this weekend. But now the kitchen is clean, so there are no distractions when I get home from school! Except for maybe the robe...
(7:47 p.m.) I am proud to announce that I can make a crock pot of navy beans as good as my mother's! I did a killer hour of Insanity and then took it downstairs to my Jessie's to bust out some pilates. I just wrapped up every piece of Christmas candy I made this past weekend so it can leave our house. My buckeyes are just too good to be here.
12/6 (5:45 a.m.) Great Insanity workout this morning!
(9:37 p.m.) Great mixed drinks this evening!
12/7 (6:25 a.m.) Well, today is my weigh in day, and I weigh 1.6 lbs more today than I did a week ago. From reading over this, it's not hard to see why. Reuben and I spoke today, and we're giving both of our bodies and overhaul...boooo.
(6:27 p.m.) Just finished my Insanity workout; I've made it to the point where the videos are an hour or longer. It never gets easy! Healthy decisions all day today for both Reuben and me!!!
12/8 (5:56 p.m.) Hahahahaha....nope.
12/9 (5:55 a.m.) Just finished my Insanity workout. I've messed my schedule up, so now I have to do double video days, meaning at this hour I know I have to come home from work and do another video. We'll see what happens.
12/10 (?:?? ?.?.) Happy Birthday to me and all of my extra pounds!
12/11 (2:10 p.m.) So, I just got done with my Insanity video and I think I'm sweating out frosting, scrambled eggs, and Sake. Needless to say, yesterday was awesome. I'm super behind on my videos, so I'm gonna double up throughout this week. I need to find that groove I had back in the states, but right now, all I want to do is climb back into bed.
12/12 (5:26 p.m.) One Insanity video...admitting defeat...feel like death...addicted to deep fried rice nuggets. (I don't know what they are actually called, but here, I call them Dream-Come-True-Nuggets.)
12/13 (4:42 a.m.) Just completed my favorite kinda workout ;)
12/14 (5:41 a.m.) Well, it is my weigh-in day, and I am down a pound from last week which is a good motivator. I already ate my egg white samich to power me through the day. Morning workouts start back tomorrow!
(5:11 p.m.) Insanity completed; I was stressed to tears and that just made it allllllll better!!!
12/15 (6:27 p.m.) My head feels like it's in a vice; oh no, could it be? Is this my first kindergerm-given-icky-feeling? I think it is. Absolutely no productivity today unless you count the ability to attempt to rid myself of all drainage with the mother of all nose blows. I think I ruined an ear drum.
12/16 (11:28 p.m.) Take yesterday and multiply it by the gel used on the cast of Jersey Shore and that's how I feel. I made all the food and set it out for my husband's poker night, greeted everyone, shut my bedroom door, put on my pajammies, and surrendered to my face.
12/17-12/19 (Cough...sneeze) Friends were seen and appreciated, calories were had, workouts were ignored, Kleenex was used, Mucinex was glorified, Afrin was abused, and to top off the feeling of my face trying to fold in half, the biggest cold sore in the world made itself known today. He introduced himself, and I quivered....aye me.
12/20 (9:38 a.m.) Proud to announce that my face doesn't totally hate me anymore; I mean, it still hates me, but not as much. I have found the energy to put on some tennis shoes and begin my workouts for the day. I ate my egg whites, and I could actually taste them. On my way to feeling better. Well, here we are, folks, we made it to the end, and what did we learn about this kind of goal made by Abigail? I didn't want to put it on here because that would be a super long blog. My reflection on this past month coming soon....
Week 1
11/21 (6:26 a.m.): I missed my morning workout; good start, Abigail. However, I'm lovin' this egg samich!!
(5:18 p.m.): Just completed my Insanity workout (2 video day). I properly fueled up with fruit and veggies for a snack, and then some oatmeal for lunch. Okay, okay, and two tater tots made it into the equation...and a bite of cake, but it was good cake!
(?:?? p.m.): Pasta and Kit-Kat...shoot me in the face.
Alrighty, Abigail, let's try this again.
11/22 (Blah p.m.): The day went really well when it came to making good decisions. Unfortunately, I didn't have a chance to workout once! I've been busy in the kitchen all night, literally from after school to eleven tonight. Goodnight.
11/23 (7:45 a.m.): Okay, okay, yummy egg sammie means it's GO TIME!
(4:10 p.m.): Had an incredible workout today with Insanity and some Abigail Zumba. No food for the rest of the day. All this tasting of TGiving foods has made one full belly. I did learn an important lesson today, though: Koreans do not like gravy.
11/24 -11/27 (does the time matter?): Shame...
The week of Thanksgiving may not have been the best time to make such a bogus promise to myself.
Week 2
11/28 (8:00 p.m.) I had a really good day, and I renewed my vows with WeightWatchers by activating my account once again. BTW: Boca Burgers = delishiosoness! (I had fun working out with my Jessica!!!)
11/29 (6:15 p.m.) Rainy day equals inside workouts all day: Insanity, Jillian Michaels, and Pilates. We finally finished the TGiving leftovers, and who knew stuffing had that many points...blah. But, now all of the temptations are out of the house!
11/30 (9:26 a.m.) I just finished my oatmeal on this dark, rainy day. It's a good thing we don't have a cat because I just wanna snuggle alllllllllllll day. My abs are freakin' sore as all get out; I must have done something right.
(12:26 p.m.) Once again, I did my rainy day routine: Insanity, Jillian Michaels, and Pilates. Whoa, I just noticed that the minutes on my time match...weird.
12/1 (8:43 p.m.) Today was full of great news, so I was able to tackle Insanity, Jillian Michaels, and Pilates with an incredible attitude. Once I coerced my downstairs neighbor to have dinner with us, which included her brining a bunch of yummy veggies, we had a very healthy dinner!! Feeling great!
12/2 (5:57 a.m.) I was totally awake a 4:15 this morning, so I could get my workout in. My husband had his arm across me either out of love or or attempted murder by strangulation for keeping my alarm on repeat; regardless, I couldn't bring myself to move his arm. I inched in closer, thankful to have him by my side. I did not go back to sleep, but I used that time to count my blessings.
(8:45 p.m.) I just had all of my points for the next two weeks, and I didn't workout today...blah.
12/3 (12:44 p.m.) My husband bought me a robe...all hope is lost.
(2:23 a.m.) Let's be honest, any decision made at two in the morning on a Saturday can't be good...fun, but not good :)
12/4 (1:15 p.m.) Shut your mouth about that freaking two hour workout. It was crazy, actually, more like Insane. Sorry, Jessica, (downstairs neighbor) for the plyometrics today.
This week went a little bit better. Everything always seems to fall apart at the weekend, but it's all in good fun. This week, however, I'm starting to understand just how much my husband loves me; it's unreal how great that feeling is. Working out and dieting doesn't make me comfortable with who I am, but he does.
Week 3
12/5 (6:24 a.m.) I am my mother's daughter because I woke up at 4:15 to workout, but the house was too messy from all of the Christmas kitchen goodies made this weekend. But now the kitchen is clean, so there are no distractions when I get home from school! Except for maybe the robe...
(7:47 p.m.) I am proud to announce that I can make a crock pot of navy beans as good as my mother's! I did a killer hour of Insanity and then took it downstairs to my Jessie's to bust out some pilates. I just wrapped up every piece of Christmas candy I made this past weekend so it can leave our house. My buckeyes are just too good to be here.
12/6 (5:45 a.m.) Great Insanity workout this morning!
(9:37 p.m.) Great mixed drinks this evening!
12/7 (6:25 a.m.) Well, today is my weigh in day, and I weigh 1.6 lbs more today than I did a week ago. From reading over this, it's not hard to see why. Reuben and I spoke today, and we're giving both of our bodies and overhaul...boooo.
(6:27 p.m.) Just finished my Insanity workout; I've made it to the point where the videos are an hour or longer. It never gets easy! Healthy decisions all day today for both Reuben and me!!!
12/8 (5:56 p.m.) Hahahahaha....nope.
12/9 (5:55 a.m.) Just finished my Insanity workout. I've messed my schedule up, so now I have to do double video days, meaning at this hour I know I have to come home from work and do another video. We'll see what happens.
12/10 (?:?? ?.?.) Happy Birthday to me and all of my extra pounds!
12/11 (2:10 p.m.) So, I just got done with my Insanity video and I think I'm sweating out frosting, scrambled eggs, and Sake. Needless to say, yesterday was awesome. I'm super behind on my videos, so I'm gonna double up throughout this week. I need to find that groove I had back in the states, but right now, all I want to do is climb back into bed.
12/12 (5:26 p.m.) One Insanity video...admitting defeat...feel like death...addicted to deep fried rice nuggets. (I don't know what they are actually called, but here, I call them Dream-Come-True-Nuggets.)
12/13 (4:42 a.m.) Just completed my favorite kinda workout ;)
12/14 (5:41 a.m.) Well, it is my weigh-in day, and I am down a pound from last week which is a good motivator. I already ate my egg white samich to power me through the day. Morning workouts start back tomorrow!
(5:11 p.m.) Insanity completed; I was stressed to tears and that just made it allllllll better!!!
12/15 (6:27 p.m.) My head feels like it's in a vice; oh no, could it be? Is this my first kindergerm-given-icky-feeling? I think it is. Absolutely no productivity today unless you count the ability to attempt to rid myself of all drainage with the mother of all nose blows. I think I ruined an ear drum.
12/16 (11:28 p.m.) Take yesterday and multiply it by the gel used on the cast of Jersey Shore and that's how I feel. I made all the food and set it out for my husband's poker night, greeted everyone, shut my bedroom door, put on my pajammies, and surrendered to my face.
12/17-12/19 (Cough...sneeze) Friends were seen and appreciated, calories were had, workouts were ignored, Kleenex was used, Mucinex was glorified, Afrin was abused, and to top off the feeling of my face trying to fold in half, the biggest cold sore in the world made itself known today. He introduced himself, and I quivered....aye me.
12/20 (9:38 a.m.) Proud to announce that my face doesn't totally hate me anymore; I mean, it still hates me, but not as much. I have found the energy to put on some tennis shoes and begin my workouts for the day. I ate my egg whites, and I could actually taste them. On my way to feeling better. Well, here we are, folks, we made it to the end, and what did we learn about this kind of goal made by Abigail? I didn't want to put it on here because that would be a super long blog. My reflection on this past month coming soon....
Thursday, December 1, 2011
"I May Need a Crane, but I Will Get Back on That Saddle!"
Resolution update: Okay, so maybe I was a little presumptuous when making some of these goals. My first mistake: I assumed I had willpower. My second mistake: I assumed coupons were easily accessible everywhere. Here, not so much. Those who do get them mailed in from the states (hint, hint, people!) have created their own gang. They'll give you coupons, even the good ones, if you sell your soul to them and join their cult which has something to do with illegal child labor laws; I don't know...I won't touch it with a yard stick. My third mistake: I assumed that I would actually follow through on something, which befuddles me to no end because I rarely do that, unless I'm at an all you can eat buffet, and I can easily follow through on anything with "all you can eat" in the title. My forth mistake: I assumed that I would overcome the Slothigail winter routine since I completed the first step of the recovery program which was was recognizing that I have a problem. Oh, I recognized it, and then I embraced it in a bear hug, and said, "Yes...winter jammies!!!" But now it's time to recharge my mojo...
Again, this is the time of year that I get into the most trouble. I throw away all inhibitions of doing anything healthy for myself and enjoy what the holiday seasons have to offer. I made it through Thanksgiving just like I said I would. I ate, I drank, and I was merry, until the very next day when I rolled over and I was woken by the weight of my stomach falling over to one side and bringing the rest of me with it. I SWEAR TO YOU, that's what happened. At first, I was like, "I don't care...gimme gravy!" But then as the day went on and my pants got more and more and more uncomfortable, I had to face the facts that any previous weight I lost has found me. I swear, shed pounds are like a freaking Coon Dog and my butt is the grand prize. The pounds sniff me out and latch on for dear life. With this realization, I did what any normal, disturbed female would do: I took out the three pound bag of gummy bears my husband bought me, a bottle of wine, and shared the frustration with a close girlfriend of mine. She agreed that she was going through the same thing and said, "I know, Abigail, it's like I woke up and was fat!" I knew just what she was talking about. It snuck up on me. That's what I get for living in Korea. My lost pounds have turned into little ninjas, and I have been ninjaed! I shouldn't be surprised, but I kind of was. I remember a little over two years ago giving away bags of clothes because I said I would never let myself get back to that size, and now I don't have any clothes that fit! Surprised?!? Why should I be surprised? I mean, I ate so much last week that I went up a bra size....literally. At first I was like, "SWEET..." and then I turned around and was like, "Ohhhhh nooooooo!!!!!" Interrupting a thought with a thought, wouldn't it be nice to just keep the boobs? Whenever I'm really focused on losing weight and being healthy, mine evacuate faster than Barbera Walters on episode of Sesame Street when the letter of the day is R. Zoom....
After reading a few posts and talking to a few friends, it didn't take long for me to realize that I am not the only one who struggles with this whole "being motivated" ideal. It does feel good to succeed, but that feeling can only last so long. After a while, that feeling of accomplishment gets blended into the feeling of expectations, and then you've lost all sense of 'whoo hoo' associated with it. We forget to pat ourselves on the back for even making a positive step in the first place. Once again, our inner-fat kids let the negative outweigh the positive. I do not weigh what I did two-three years ago when I was my smallest ever, but I also do not weigh what I did seven years ago when I was at my heaviest. But since I know it's possible to weigh less, I can't enjoy that I don't weigh more. I know, that's a pretty weak argument, but it's true. I have totally forgotten how far I have come in my journey and how different my lifestyle is from what it was. Five years ago: no gym membership, ate anything and everything, and would laugh in your face if you talked to me about running; two years ago: two gym memberships, certified instructor, ate more raw than cooked, and completed my first half marathon; now: one gym membership, workout at home, eat what I should/want, run when I can. The last description is somewhat prideful, but it doesn't compare to the second one, nor does it compare to the first one.
All in all, I have come to terms that I am at a different time in my life. I can't go back in time and try to relive those glory jeans, but I can control my future and what's to come. I'm not letting my two year old past motivate me anymore. I cannot go back to what I was, and to be honest, I really don't want to. Yes, I looked and felt great, but I wasn't happy. I'm happy with where my life is now, and if it takes me a month or two longer than it used to in order to lose that weight or reach that goal, I'm okay with that. I was using the wrong motivator to motivate me to be motivated. I want to live a healthy and active lifestyle, and that's pretty much what I'm doing. I'm ironing out some wrinkles here and there, and I am proud to say that I have been off Kit Kats for a week. We love Kit Kats so much that someone actually gave us some for our wedding gift, and we were excited! So yeah, I'm not overlooking the fact that I have dramatically changed my life from what it was five years ago anymore. I'm so much better than what I was then, and I am using that as my motivator to keep going with my slow and steady progress to becoming an even better me.
Again, this is the time of year that I get into the most trouble. I throw away all inhibitions of doing anything healthy for myself and enjoy what the holiday seasons have to offer. I made it through Thanksgiving just like I said I would. I ate, I drank, and I was merry, until the very next day when I rolled over and I was woken by the weight of my stomach falling over to one side and bringing the rest of me with it. I SWEAR TO YOU, that's what happened. At first, I was like, "I don't care...gimme gravy!" But then as the day went on and my pants got more and more and more uncomfortable, I had to face the facts that any previous weight I lost has found me. I swear, shed pounds are like a freaking Coon Dog and my butt is the grand prize. The pounds sniff me out and latch on for dear life. With this realization, I did what any normal, disturbed female would do: I took out the three pound bag of gummy bears my husband bought me, a bottle of wine, and shared the frustration with a close girlfriend of mine. She agreed that she was going through the same thing and said, "I know, Abigail, it's like I woke up and was fat!" I knew just what she was talking about. It snuck up on me. That's what I get for living in Korea. My lost pounds have turned into little ninjas, and I have been ninjaed! I shouldn't be surprised, but I kind of was. I remember a little over two years ago giving away bags of clothes because I said I would never let myself get back to that size, and now I don't have any clothes that fit! Surprised?!? Why should I be surprised? I mean, I ate so much last week that I went up a bra size....literally. At first I was like, "SWEET..." and then I turned around and was like, "Ohhhhh nooooooo!!!!!" Interrupting a thought with a thought, wouldn't it be nice to just keep the boobs? Whenever I'm really focused on losing weight and being healthy, mine evacuate faster than Barbera Walters on episode of Sesame Street when the letter of the day is R. Zoom....
After reading a few posts and talking to a few friends, it didn't take long for me to realize that I am not the only one who struggles with this whole "being motivated" ideal. It does feel good to succeed, but that feeling can only last so long. After a while, that feeling of accomplishment gets blended into the feeling of expectations, and then you've lost all sense of 'whoo hoo' associated with it. We forget to pat ourselves on the back for even making a positive step in the first place. Once again, our inner-fat kids let the negative outweigh the positive. I do not weigh what I did two-three years ago when I was my smallest ever, but I also do not weigh what I did seven years ago when I was at my heaviest. But since I know it's possible to weigh less, I can't enjoy that I don't weigh more. I know, that's a pretty weak argument, but it's true. I have totally forgotten how far I have come in my journey and how different my lifestyle is from what it was. Five years ago: no gym membership, ate anything and everything, and would laugh in your face if you talked to me about running; two years ago: two gym memberships, certified instructor, ate more raw than cooked, and completed my first half marathon; now: one gym membership, workout at home, eat what I should/want, run when I can. The last description is somewhat prideful, but it doesn't compare to the second one, nor does it compare to the first one.
All in all, I have come to terms that I am at a different time in my life. I can't go back in time and try to relive those glory jeans, but I can control my future and what's to come. I'm not letting my two year old past motivate me anymore. I cannot go back to what I was, and to be honest, I really don't want to. Yes, I looked and felt great, but I wasn't happy. I'm happy with where my life is now, and if it takes me a month or two longer than it used to in order to lose that weight or reach that goal, I'm okay with that. I was using the wrong motivator to motivate me to be motivated. I want to live a healthy and active lifestyle, and that's pretty much what I'm doing. I'm ironing out some wrinkles here and there, and I am proud to say that I have been off Kit Kats for a week. We love Kit Kats so much that someone actually gave us some for our wedding gift, and we were excited! So yeah, I'm not overlooking the fact that I have dramatically changed my life from what it was five years ago anymore. I'm so much better than what I was then, and I am using that as my motivator to keep going with my slow and steady progress to becoming an even better me.
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