My Weekend in a Pecan Pie Shell

     Friday 27, 10:12 p.m., I just finished cleaning house, working out, showering, and thawing cake as well as banana bread. That's right, people, it's Cheat Day Eve. I've kept myself super busy, so I wouldn't stare at the clock while trying to huff a can of icing. When I wake up tomorrow morning, the eating fest begins, hence the thawing of carbs. Before I get carried away with the excitement of tomorrow, I thought I'd give you a very brief glimpse of what this past week entailed.

     This past week: nothing exciting...except that I found chicken in a can that has a pop top; that was pretty cool. I carried it in my purse and ate it for lunch one day...yeah...that's about it.

      I would like to point out that I weighed in on Monday after the cheat day, and wow, it was a big five pounds heavier. But get this, my soon to be jealous peeps, by Wednesday morning, the five pounds was gone again. That's beautiful. I'm pretty sure that moment I stepped on the scale and saw that I was not damaged by my binge eating was the same moment that Kelly Clarkson stopped in her tracks to sing out loud, "A moment like this...some people wait a lifetime...." She's probably still confused as to why she felt the need to burst into random song, but we know why. I do not attest at all that my weight went down from a very intense run on Tuesday morning lead by my self-proclaimed (as in that I self-proclaimed her, she did not) running coach, or the fact that my girlfriend and I did another five mile trapse later that evening. Nope...exercise had nothing to do with it, it's just the beauty of the diet (rolling my eyes, here! Exercise for me is a must if I want to control that badonky-donk I got goin' on back there. Lately it has been a badonky-dunk, but hopefully it will soon be a badonky-what-what-I-wanna-touch-that-butt-butt).

     Another benefit from this past cheat day was that I didn't feel the need to viciously and/or violently maim anyone this week. That's always a bonus! Alrighty, that's enough talk for me. I've got food on the brain and in a few hours, food in the belly :)

SATURDAY

6:22 a.m. -> My dear, sweet cat woke me up at 5:30 this morning just to say hi. We chatted for a little bit and caught up on each other's lives. I work, she sleeps, it was a riveting conversation. After waiting patiently and letting my mind calm down from the acknowledgement that Saturday is finally here, I got out of bed. Now, I have that "oh, how good it is" look from my first sip of coffee. It's definitely not going to be a one cup morning; I made that mistake last week. I'm puttin' our Keurig to work today!


8:41 a.m. -> Two amazing cups of coffee led to three Dunkin' Donuts and about ten Double Stuffed Oreos. I had the intention of eating fruit for breakfast...that didn't last long. Hmmm, all these sweets...I need a pickle!

1:33 p.m. -> Reuben's Cake and pizza: now it's time to get ready to go to Yongsan :)

I made this cake almost three weeks ago for Reuben's second cheat day. We cut it in quarters and froze what was not eaten. We thawed it last week, but did not eat it, back in the freezer it went. What you don't understand is the power of this cake. This is a recipe I made myself, but I promise, it would make Paula Deen proud. That middle layer...yep... chocolate peanut butter fudge infused with Reese Cups. Three weeks ago, before Reuben cut the cake, he took a picture and tweeted it. The cake read: #2: Cheat Days Rule!!! This picture was retweeted by Tim Ferriss himself! My cake was famous on the net!!!!

9:15 p.m. -> I pretty much thought I was going to pass out from the food consumption. I literally had to think about how to put one foot in front of the other. Let's see, on the way to Yongsan, we killed some Swedish Fish and a bag of Kettle Cooked chips. Since I worked so hard at chewing and whatnot, my wonderful husband suggested that I treat myself to pedicure. I've lived in Asia for a year and this was my first pedicure; it was due time. After that special treat, we went to Oasis, and I lost all control at the buffet. I'm pretty sure I ate a spoonful of butter just because it was there; I don't really know. After two rolls, a whole pineapple, a block of cheese, a few burritos, some scoops of ice cream heavily topped with sprinkles, nuts, and a slab of strawberry cake, queso noodles, and a wad of potato salad, I was in intense physical pain and swore I would never eat another bite of food again for the rest of my life tonight. Now that we're home, I'm feeling a lot better. We have a late date night at an 11:00 p.m. showing of the new Batman movie...concession stand...I think so!

1:45 a.m. -> We just got home from watching Batman: holy smokes! That movie was superbly awesome. However, about an hour before the movie, I thought my stomach was trying to recreate the famous scene out of Alien. I knew at any moment, some tiny beast was going to rip through my stomach just to point and laugh at me for being so irresponsible with my gluttonous actions. No concessions were had by me. I couldn't do it. I learned my lesson today: eating to the point of pain is not necessary, nor is it worth it. It might be delicious, but this has scarred me, and I won't be doing it anytime soon.

SUNDAY

     I WANT CAKE!!!! How is it possible that I go to sleep last night with this mindset that I've learned my lesson? I woke up this morning...okay, this afternoon...and started planning my next cheat day already. That's absurd! It's an addiction is what it is. I did get on the scale just now to see what kind of damage was done, and I was shocked that there was only a three pound gain. Last week, I had that huge five pound gain, and I feel that I did more justice to this cheat day. However, last cheat day, I ate right until midnight, and this cheat day, I didn't eat anything after eight, so that probably had a lot to do with it. My goal for this upcoming week is to, of course, lose these new three pounds, but to also drop two more. If you remember, Saturday is the day that I'm suppose to take measurements and bikini pictures. Every time I think about bikini pictures, I hear that sharp stabbing music from Psycho playing in the background somewhere. If these pictures are good, then I'll swear by this diet for the rest of my life. I'll be so stoked that I'll march straight to Baskin Robbins, still in the bikini mind you, and order one scoop of all their flavors....I kid you not. Saturday, I'll spend $100 on ice cream just to celebrate the weight loss. C'mon, an ice cream buffet to celebrate a weight loss? Three words: best diet ever!!! 

CHEAT DAY #1

     It's 6:37 a.m. and I just put my Sourdough Banana Bread in the oven. Not to toot my own horn or anything, but my sourdough starter is going on two months old, so it's pretty much the best starter in the world. I woke up super early this morning for many reasons: 1) Seyo has this new obsession with attacking my non moving eyelashes when I'm asleep. She beats me in the face with her stubby little paws, crams her nose in my eye socket, and takes her sandpaper tongue over the softest part of my eyelids. Needless to say, this wakes me up every flippin' morning around 4 a.m. 2) It's cheat day, and I wanted to get a head start on wrapping my mind around the awesomeness that will take place. 3) I had to pee, and I mean it was one of those bladder crippling needs. The good thing about this diet is my husband and I are drinking about a gallon of water a day. Apparently this morning, I had to pee out a gallon and a half.

     So, as I stumble into the bathroom, I notice that I feel a little different. Ladies know this feeling, and ladies love this feeling. It's that feeling of, "Whoooooaaaaaaaa, I wanna get on the scale!!!!!!" Never ever ever ever ever does that happen, men, but when it does, you best get to steppin'. There are mornings I wake up and feel like I am so bloated that I could put the Michelin Man out of business. And then there are days when it feels I just did weighted squats to get my hefty butt out of the bed, but not this morning. This morning was a "I don't feel my skin folding on itself" morning. I ripped off my 4XL Alabama Jersey (my nightgown) and looked in the mirror. I like what I see, people!!! My tummy was flat-ish. Well, it was flatter. But I guess that's not saying much; it was more like my stomach was a fully inflated balloon, and now it's not so inflated. Anyway, I run across my room resembling an Olympic gymnast and jump on the scale. Those two pounds I talked about yesterday -> GONE, SUCKER...AND THEY TOOK AN EXTRA TWO POUNDS WITH IT!!!

    That averages out to a two pound weight loss in two weeks: let's celebrate with cake!!! I need to give a huge shout out to my husband who is down twenty pounds in three weeks. He, like me, will spend the day destroying this accomplishment. My husband was asleep when I was doing the victory dance on the scale, but as I was dancing, I realized that I was in front of an open window in the buff, and a feeling swept over me. You'd think it'd be, "Oh snap, move, Abigail." I couldn't appreciate the humor of the situation because a worrisome feeling entered my soul, "Uhhhh, results on a cheat day? What should I do?" As much as I want to relish in deep fried foods, I feel void of want now. What if I can't step up to the plate? (No pun intended...hahahahhahahahahahahaha). I feel that my cheat day may not be as epic as I want because I don't want to jinx the upcoming week. I feel good right now. Stupid scale with good numbers on it. Anyway, I guess you can tell that since I did hop up and make a loaf of bread that some damage will be done, but notice, I only made one loaf...I had intended to make two. My conscience is already taking over my mind.

    Okay, I'll tune in throughout the day and update everyone on what my first cheat day entails.

6:59 a.m. -> The one rule is that I have to start my day with at least 40 grams of protein. I had half a can of chicken because I couldn't bare to look at an egg white right now. No gagging on cheat day!!! That's not the full 40 grams, but I'm just not hungry right now. I refuse to eat when it's not needed or wanted (this will be the only time today that I mutter those words).

8:02 a.m. -> Coffee...beautiful, creamy colored, sweetened coffee. My "will I cheat on cheat day?" anxiety is leaving me one sip at a time...

I've been drinking my coffee black, something I hate. Adding my cream and sugar is only something my mother can truly appreciate.

8:28 a.m. -> I got really excited about the bread. I sliced the first half and made it all pretty, but then I was like, "Forget this, homie," and I dumped some more on my plate. Just took my first bite: shut up!

I ate mine, and then I ate Reuben's...I'm not gonna lie, I'm feelin' a little queasy. It's too early in the cheat day for that nonsense.

9:32 a.m. -> I just threw up involuntarily, of course. Cheat Day 1, Abigail 0.

3:30 p.m. -> Okay, I'd say that I have successfully recovered since this morning. I think my body was freaking out a little bit when I shoved all the deliciousness in it at once. I felt a little questionable during church, so it didn't take much to talk me out of the breakfast buffet at Mitchell's. We took a nice ride to Camp Casey and found many wonderful treats over there. 

Anyone who lives in Korea knows how dangerous this bag is. Tapioca Doughnut Sticks....ahhhh...

Buffalo Chicken Sammie and Cheese Fries, those who know me know that I would never eat this on any given day. Well, that's the beauty of cheat day :)

My best friend chowing down on his cheat day treat.

After all of this food, I'm actually feeling really good. On the way home, I killed a bag of Cracker Jacks and then some Peanut M&Ms. I've not had those two items in about five years or so. Life is good...

6:24 p.m. -> I just got up from a nap and went straight to the fridge for some cake!

The Pinterest introduced me to the Fudgy Peanut Butter Icebox Cake. Uhhh, I didn't really care for it. You can see how much I made, and you can see how much I ate. This dessert was a little too sweet for this girl, and that's saying a lot. Super easy to make so go ahead and try it yourself :)

7:32 p.m. -> Okay, I've pretty much had it with the sweets today. Pizza time!!!

Demolished half of it...no regrets

11:54 p.m. -> I have six minutes left to this fabulous day and two syllables come to mind:

     Alrighty, cheat day number one has come and gone. I'm not gonna lie; I think I over did it. I definitely satisfied all of my cravings for the next month or two, so next Saturday shouldn't be near as exciting. Today, I literally ate because I could, even if I didn't want it, I ate it. My belly is full and head is swimming. Now, only one more thing before I say goodnight...

Oh, Cheat Day, I Will Own You...

     Do you remember that feeling you used to get as a little kid the night before Christmas? I'd want so badly to go to sleep but it felt like my heart weighed a quadrillion pounds due to all of the excitement. I got this feeling the night before Christmas Eve, Christmas, Mamaw's Christmas, Easter, Valentine's Day, Halloween, Labor Day (uhhh...the rides, of course), and any other event/day/holiday that meant the next day guaranteed candy eating. I really want you to hone in on that feeling...that your stomach is going to fall out of your butt feeling...do you have it? Now, take that feeling multiply it by a million, drink four Red Bulls, snort a Pixie Stick, mainline a Mountain Dew, rob a bank, and top it off with some Starbucks because ladies and gentlemen, that is exactly what I feel like right now. And it's all because it's the night before....CHEAT DAY!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

    The cheat day sets a new standard of being pumped. I feel like I could conquer the world, which is rare because this diet has drained me of energy, intelligence, coordination, and really good "your momma" jokes. Seriously, I have been so off kilter that I quit fixing my hair all together. It was just too hard a task. But today, I'm like, "Bring it on!!!!" Literally, when asked, "Hey, Abigail, do you want to come out tonight and demonstrate Tahitian Belly Dancing at the Gateway Luau?" I answered excitedly, "Uhhhh...yeah!!!! I'll be there with flowers on!!" Never mind the fact that I had no idea what that was, I didn't have the music, nor have been coordinated at all to master this skill in a day. Reuben and I Youtube-d a video of it, and then he looked at me and said, "The things you get yourself into." Did I care, though? Yeah, a little bit, I started to panic, but then I remembered that tomorrow is cheat day, and all stress went away. When talking more about cheat day with Reuben, I got teary eyed because I was so freakishly excited. I did that whole crying-laughing-don't-throw-up routine for a minute or two before I pulled myself together and started menu planning. BTW: the dance went well.

     Now, if you remember the guidelines for this diet, I didn't have much wiggle room for anything fun. The first challenge is to go for the first ten days without any possible cheats, and I didn't cheat once. Well, after the first ten days, I could have my cheat day, but that landed on Wednesday...who cheats on a Wednesday? So I pushed through Thursday, Friday, and today because I had to work, and I wanted my cheat day to be an open calorie filled day that I could share with my husband, hence, tomorrow. The beautiful thing is that I have to have a cheat day; it resets my metabolism for the week. I don't know? I didn't write the book. All I know is that it's the most genius thing I've heard ever. My cheat day can be utterly stupid; there are no rules. I have so many plans for tomorrow that I just don't know what I'm going to do. I made a cake tonight!!! For crying out loud, a whole cake is sitting in the fridge waiting for my fork, and that's just what I'm going to eat before breakfast. Tim Ferriss is going to have to rewrite his book and use me as an example as what not to do on one's cheat day.

     COFFEE...I swear, I am going to use full fat creamer and a cup of sugar. I'll be able to eat my coffee with a spatula because it's gonna be so thick. Kit Kats, they're in the freezer; I've been stock piling them through the week. Pancakes, oh pancakes, tomorrow, I'm going to make a pancake-french toast sandwich and deep fry it in funnel cake batter and top it off with sausage gravy and blueberry doughnut holes. I will literally make my pizza so saucy and cheesy that I will walk down the street and slap someone through the face because they are missing out on something life fulfilling. Apples, holy moly, apples didn't make the cut for tomorrow; sorry, guys, maybe next cheat day. Gummy Bears, treat this as a warning.

     I told Reuben that he might be embarrassed of me tomorrow. I'm going to destroy my body so badly  that I'm going to make a Sumo wrestler look like he has an eating disorder. Sometimes I stop to think if I should get that crazy with the whole cheat day theme. Just because I can doesn't mean I should. I think about those same words when I hear someone wants to get pregnant...cough cough...Snooki...cough. Before I went on the Slow Carb diet, I was still really diligent about what I ate. I didn't go around eating crap all of the time; I lived off fruit, dairy, and bread...the three things I can't have at all. In that case, I plan to make sure to have those tomorrow: Chocolate Walnut Sourdough Banana Bread (fruit...check; bread...check) for breakfast; Fudgy Peanut Butter Icebox Cake (cream cheese = dairy...check) for snack; and Kit Kats (vegetable...check) for any of those moments I find myself not chewing. After church, I'm pitching a tent at the Mitchell's Breakfast Buffet. I'm literally going to set up camp and eat until they feel the need to charge me for another meal. Let's be honest, I'll probably put a straw in the syrup.

     If you remember, I did say that I was going to weigh in and keep everyone posted on the results. Well, the results are I hate your face and tomorrow is my cheat day and I'm takin' it no matter what that blasted scale said!!!! Needless to say, I didn't lose weight...in fact, I weighed two pounds more than what I did when I started the diet. However, when I started the diet, I was a week into a new lifting regimen. Now, I'm three weeks into the lifting schedule, and I do feel stronger. I'm not creating excuses, though, there's a reason that I gained the two pounds. Since I've been doing this, my stomach abilities have come to a screeching halt, if you know what I mean. But I don't mind so much because now I get to drink Metamucil in the mornings, and that's the closest thing I have to a dessert. I don't know why I gained the weight; Reuben told that happens sometimes and to just stick with it. I didn't take my measurements, either. I decided the bathing suit pictures and measurements will be a once month thing. August 8th, I'll update my pictures and do a little before and after comparisons.

     Okie dokie, I need to hurry up and go to bed because the sooner I sleep, the sooner I eat!!! Yay, for CHEAT DAY!!!!

   

Farewell Carbs...Hello Kit Kats!!!

     Renee Zellweger once said, "Eating one Twinkie is fun; eating ten Twinkies is not," when she was asked about her feelings on having to gain weight for certain movie roles. When I heard this, I instantly wanted an oatmeal pie. I mean, Twinkies are cool and all, but oatmeal pies are where it's at. Especially if I had to eat ten of them. I can't begin to imagine...(enter foggy dream sequence)...

"Mrs. Incredibly Gorgeous oh so Famous Abigail Newton the Miraculous," yelled the director. 

"Um, yes...what can I do for ya? I'm in the middle of my butt lift videos 'cause my cellulite is draggin'...I didn't think it was possible, but it is!" I scream back.

"No, Perfect Abigail! You must stop at once!! You are not near fat enough for this role. I demand you to eat these ten boxes of oatmeal pies. I will fire you if there is evidence that you have been lifting your butt!! Go on now, take this complete set of Sex and the City DVDs, and be gone at once. Do nothing but watch hours of tv and eat. Once you are finished with the oatmeal pies, I'll bring in Ham and Cheese Hot Pockets...not Lean Pockets...HOT POCKETS, and you must eat them all!!!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO....why me?!?!?!?!?!?!? Oh wait...don't workout, eat all I want!!! YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS....go me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

    And then I wake up in a cold sweat with an empty jar of peanut butter while gnawing on my cat's leg. Pffftttt...how could eating not be fun? It's my favorite hobby! My favorite hobby used to be working out, but that was cursed with having an amazing body, being healthier overall, having the willpower to say no, understanding the rights and wrongs of the health industry, and rocking killer legs with a nice, tight booty that won me my husband. Besides landing me an amazing husband, why would I want a body like that...it's boring!!! Okay, can you tell I'm a bit in denial? 

    My body has changed dramatically, and it's all because of my new found hobby of nonstop eating. In my last post, I said that I was starting over. Be proud of me because I did and I am still doing so. I was so scared for the longest time to try something new because I thought I knew what was best for me. Well, as this year has progressed, I have proven to myself that I don't know jack about jill, and it's time for me to get educated on something else. I decided that I needed to try something brand new, something that I have never even tried to look at because I knew I would fail epically...Low Carb Diet!!

     "What???? Abigail, how could you????" 

      I know, I know, but I just want to see what happens. 

      "You know what's going to happen. You're going to lose all this weight, and then one day decide to eat a piece of bread. You'll eat that bread, and you're body and waistline will explode quicker than a Mentos in a shaken Diet Coke!"

      And if that happens, so be it. But I want to learn about this kind of lifestyle. I want to see what other habits, ideas, and recipes I can adopt from trying something this extreme.

      "Kit-Kats are carbs! What are you going to do about that...?"

      And this is the beauty of the diet...I can eat all the Kit Kats I want on Saturdays! Back to my favorite hobby!!!

My husband introduced me to this diet called the Slow Carb Diet out of the book The 4 Hour Body  written by Tim Ferriss; you may have heard of his other book The 4 Hour Work Week. I have read the book, and it is too interesting not to try. I was skeptical at first. I told Reuben that I did not believe in any book that says fruit and dairy are bad for you. But it's not so much about that; it's more about what your body truly needs to function. This man pointed out what I fear for myself everyday: we've lost the ritual of eating because we need to, we eat because we want to. I now understand the difference between the need and the want. I'll go into those details in a later post. Anyway, I watch my husband try this diet...three weeks later and seventeen pounds lighter, I'm like, "Sign me up, now!"And so he gave me the book and his best wishes. The diet is simple:

"Rule #1: Avoid “white” carbohydrates (or anything that can be white). 

Rule #2: Eat the same few meals over and over again. 

Rule #3: Don’t drink calories. 

Rule #4: Don’t eat fruit.

Rule #5: Take one day off per week and go nuts."   (Tim Ferriss, The 4 Hour Body)

I have been doing this diet for one week tomorrow. Tomorrow I will weigh in, and I will write an instant update on my weight and my thoughts for this past week. I'm not gonna lie; this week was rough. Reuben had to work nights this last week, so I barely got to see him. And then on top of that Aunt Flow came and brought Uzi in her suitcase. To put it mathematically: Period + No Carbs - my husband = death and destruction and move out the way and is that a doughnut and bawling uncontrollably and come here kitty cat just let me love you and omg I will kill you and I hate this salad and do not look at my face and is it time to eat yet and my jeans hurt and Mrs. Newton is not in the mood and I hate today and thank God for sugar free jello and..........

Sooooo....I'm hoping for some sort of results tomorrow. Reuben has had amazing results, and I've seen him have two cheat days already. It's ridiculous what this man ate! I made his Triple Chocolate Reese Cup Fudge Cake, we call it "his" because that's what I make on his birthdays, for this past cheat day. He got to eat it!!! And, sigh, I got to watch. But my day is coming soon enough...I will show Renee Zellweger that eating ten of anything is not only fun, but probably one of the best parts of life.

Alright, warning time, bathing suit pictures of the current me. I really wanted to go all the way with this and take weekly or bi weekly pictures to see if this diet is actually making changes on my body. Here's the first set...I've not yet had a second set made. I figured that even if I flake out of this diet, I'll have motivation to do whatever it takes to get a good second set of pics, so people don't remember me this way. Oh bless...here they are:

July 8, 2012...those thighs are BFFs

Saddle bags? More like vomit bags...

Doughy...I'm all doughy

Well, I have officially exposed myself....I'm sorry for any reoccurring nightmares that might be related to such images. But I can assure you, be ready to see some change...