Resolution update: Okay, so maybe I was a little presumptuous when making some of these goals. My first mistake: I assumed I had willpower. My second mistake: I assumed coupons were easily accessible everywhere. Here, not so much. Those who do get them mailed in from the states (hint, hint, people!) have created their own gang. They'll give you coupons, even the good ones, if you sell your soul to them and join their cult which has something to do with illegal child labor laws; I don't know...I won't touch it with a yard stick. My third mistake: I assumed that I would actually follow through on something, which befuddles me to no end because I rarely do that, unless I'm at an all you can eat buffet, and I can easily follow through on anything with "all you can eat" in the title. My forth mistake: I assumed that I would overcome the Slothigail winter routine since I completed the first step of the recovery program which was was recognizing that I have a problem. Oh, I recognized it, and then I embraced it in a bear hug, and said, "Yes...winter jammies!!!" But now it's time to recharge my mojo...
Again, this is the time of year that I get into the most trouble. I throw away all inhibitions of doing anything healthy for myself and enjoy what the holiday seasons have to offer. I made it through Thanksgiving just like I said I would. I ate, I drank, and I was merry, until the very next day when I rolled over and I was woken by the weight of my stomach falling over to one side and bringing the rest of me with it. I SWEAR TO YOU, that's what happened. At first, I was like, "I don't care...gimme gravy!" But then as the day went on and my pants got more and more and more uncomfortable, I had to face the facts that any previous weight I lost has found me. I swear, shed pounds are like a freaking Coon Dog and my butt is the grand prize. The pounds sniff me out and latch on for dear life. With this realization, I did what any normal, disturbed female would do: I took out the three pound bag of gummy bears my husband bought me, a bottle of wine, and shared the frustration with a close girlfriend of mine. She agreed that she was going through the same thing and said, "I know, Abigail, it's like I woke up and was fat!" I knew just what she was talking about. It snuck up on me. That's what I get for living in Korea. My lost pounds have turned into little ninjas, and I have been ninjaed! I shouldn't be surprised, but I kind of was. I remember a little over two years ago giving away bags of clothes because I said I would never let myself get back to that size, and now I don't have any clothes that fit! Surprised?!? Why should I be surprised? I mean, I ate so much last week that I went up a bra size....literally. At first I was like, "SWEET..." and then I turned around and was like, "Ohhhhh nooooooo!!!!!" Interrupting a thought with a thought, wouldn't it be nice to just keep the boobs? Whenever I'm really focused on losing weight and being healthy, mine evacuate faster than Barbera Walters on episode of Sesame Street when the letter of the day is R. Zoom....
After reading a few posts and talking to a few friends, it didn't take long for me to realize that I am not the only one who struggles with this whole "being motivated" ideal. It does feel good to succeed, but that feeling can only last so long. After a while, that feeling of accomplishment gets blended into the feeling of expectations, and then you've lost all sense of 'whoo hoo' associated with it. We forget to pat ourselves on the back for even making a positive step in the first place. Once again, our inner-fat kids let the negative outweigh the positive. I do not weigh what I did two-three years ago when I was my smallest ever, but I also do not weigh what I did seven years ago when I was at my heaviest. But since I know it's possible to weigh less, I can't enjoy that I don't weigh more. I know, that's a pretty weak argument, but it's true. I have totally forgotten how far I have come in my journey and how different my lifestyle is from what it was. Five years ago: no gym membership, ate anything and everything, and would laugh in your face if you talked to me about running; two years ago: two gym memberships, certified instructor, ate more raw than cooked, and completed my first half marathon; now: one gym membership, workout at home, eat what I should/want, run when I can. The last description is somewhat prideful, but it doesn't compare to the second one, nor does it compare to the first one.
All in all, I have come to terms that I am at a different time in my life. I can't go back in time and try to relive those glory jeans, but I can control my future and what's to come. I'm not letting my two year old past motivate me anymore. I cannot go back to what I was, and to be honest, I really don't want to. Yes, I looked and felt great, but I wasn't happy. I'm happy with where my life is now, and if it takes me a month or two longer than it used to in order to lose that weight or reach that goal, I'm okay with that. I was using the wrong motivator to motivate me to be motivated. I want to live a healthy and active lifestyle, and that's pretty much what I'm doing. I'm ironing out some wrinkles here and there, and I am proud to say that I have been off Kit Kats for a week. We love Kit Kats so much that someone actually gave us some for our wedding gift, and we were excited! So yeah, I'm not overlooking the fact that I have dramatically changed my life from what it was five years ago anymore. I'm so much better than what I was then, and I am using that as my motivator to keep going with my slow and steady progress to becoming an even better me.
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