Do you ever have those moments when you realize that you just might be the smartest person in the world? Instead of having a "light bulb" moment where a little flicker of clarity just shined down on you, you have this moment of utter certainty that outshines that little flicker of light and the whiteness of Gary Busey's teethy smile (it was brighter in the 80's)? Yeah, me too. They don't happen everyday, but when they do, Holy Moly Genius! Those moments are often short lived and cancelled out when I follow them with something like getting emotionally involved in an episode of Jerry Springer or struggling to spell the word restaurant (I hate that word; I always want to put a 'r' after the t). Anyway, I'm a genius. I say this because I have developed a new philosophy which has completely altered how I am living my life. Okay, here it goes: I refuse to live a lifestyle to sustain a body type, but I will sustain a body type to live a lifestyle. And the crowd goes wild! Go ahead, put it on a shirt with some confusing anime art and cut me a check. How simple is that thought? Oh wait, a better word, how HEALTHY is that thought?
Now, this can be interpreted in many different ways, so for the sake of me, take it how I mean it. For years I have obsessed over losing weight and trying to get a particular look. What look would that be? Well, the stereotypical basics would be ideal: long, lean cellulite less legs, Oprah-wing free arms (that part of your arm that flaps back and forth when you wave, and if you don't know what I'm talking about, then I kinda hate you, and if you're looking at your arms right now and flapping them, high five!!!!) a butt that could be mistaken for a volleyball, a stomach that is so lean and flat that I wouldn't lose my belly button when I sit down, and so forth... And then I recently woke up and realized that I am 5'1, and the span of my hand (tip of middle finger to tip of thumb when spread out) covers the distance of my armpit to hip; yep, short torso for this girl. That's not all, though. Besides the fact that I will never get taller, I like food!!! Even more than that, I like being active in many different ways!!!
I'm a beast! I love to lift!!! I'm talking about weights, of course, or your spirits :) But I feel so empowered when flipping the tractor tire, or doing weighted dips, or squatting a line backer. Needless to say, I have come to terms with the fact that I will never be 'that girl' that I have tried to be because that body type does not match my activities. I still have a serious fat roll occurrence from my midsection when I sit down; I swear, there are no jokes when I say that my belly button disappears into some unknown abyss. Cellulite: I got it, baby, everywhere! My husband says he loves my dimples, so I'm just giving him more to love. Thigh jiggle, heck, I turned it into a Zumba move. I will never be a size two but I will always be able to bench press someone that is.
With the build of my body - short and curvylicious - I would have to totally switch gears when it comes to what I eat and how I work out. And since I don't know how to drive a straight drive, I'm pretty good staying with my simplified automatic and doing what genuinely brings me pleasure: eating well balanced meals and completing regimens of cardio and weight lifting for my workouts. Oh heavens, I can't imagine, I'd probably have to run to Raleigh everyday while maintaining a diet of coffee and laxatives. As tempting as that is, I'm gonna have to say no.
As much as I want to still be a prim, pretty, priss-pot (a what?) and strut "perfection" everywhere, I just don't think my level of personal happiness would be where it is now. Yes, sister on the cover of every mag, that dress/bikini/outfit/scandal/drug addiction looks great on you, but that's you, and this is me. I am going to eat my foods to fuel my habit. Please, I make weight lifting look good...hahahhahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah, just joking, hahahahahahahahahhhhhhaaaaaaahhhahahahahahahhahahhaa, okay, I'm good. No, but seriously, think about it for me, will ya? Make a promise to yourself that you are going to choose to live your life, and make your look match your life, not your life matching your look. That was weird wording, but I don't care...I just ate some leftover Waffle House hashbrowns, and I think I OD on them....feeling full, satisfied, and a little ignorant.
It's time to be realistic, but more importantly, it's time to be healthy. So for all of you ladies out there who look at me and my blessed perfection and workout or diet with the intentions to master my art of having a cottage cheese booty, my tornado thighs (oh yeah, sister, I totally bypassed thunder and went straight to tornado because once they get to moving, there is no stopping them...holy wind draft), or my magical disappearing belly button, well, too bad. This is my body, and you have yours, a beautiful/flawless/unique/perfect one. I'm doing what I need to do to keep my full figured look (Waffle House hashbrowns...that was tough); this look may not be what looks best on me, but it's the one that feels best on me.
So, right about now, you're probably saying, "Yes, Abigail, you are a genius." And I am saying to you that you're telling what I already know, but I'll act modest anyway. And if you feel that this info is worthless, then please know that I can easily hurl kettle bell in your face. But now I must return to perfecting my body by finding more hashbrowns.
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