First of all, I shall start with a resolution update: my first goal was to lose .5-1lb a week. Well, the first week I lost 2.3 lbs, which was fabulous. I was either in the mode and only saw success as an option, or I was going through red-meat-glazed-doughnut-jet-lag detox...either way, I was happy and ready for the following week. That was the week I rewarded myself for such a fabulous weight loss with Kit-Kats, an apple, and beer, resulting in a huge weight gain, a new facial blemish, multiple husband thinking someone else is hot accusations, and self loathing. During all the eating and self hating, I did manage to unpack the back bedroom, which was full of clothes that I can no longer fit into because they are too small, so back in the box they go. I thought I would totally thrive with learning how to coupon. I printed off multiple buy-eight-butters-box-of-eggs-deep-fried-chicken-parts-MSG-and-get-a-free-high-five coupons and excitedly went to the store. Luckily, there was only one lane open to check out, so only twenty to thirty people were murdering me silently with their eyes when I pulled out my coupons. At that moment, I learned that the coupon Nazi works here and makes up her own rules, so instead of walking out of the store with my third box of Chex cereal, which would have been free, I walked out with contempt for all those who have the power to say, "Noh, whan cupin onwy..." Pffft, whatever! I also had another resolution about blogging more, so now that I'm three days late doing that, here it goes:
If we are what eat, then I am a bad decision. Plain and simple. I spend more time saying to myself, "Oh, I shouldn't eat this, but I just don't care." And if that were true, the not caring part, I wouldn't be looking at a vacuum hose attachment and a scalpel while wondering if I could be the first person to pull off a self implemented at home liposuction procedure. And if I ever find a coupon for lidocain, I might just make it happen. Anyway, what I'm trying to get at is the "caring" part. Why do I care? Seriously, why in the world do I spend every waking moment with self image and weight loss on my mind? Why is it that I can be so caught up with these thoughts that I can tell you every calorie in every piece of food, every contestant ever to be on The Biggest Loser, every celebrity who has ever acted as the spokesperson for a weight loss product, every movie that has Kevin Bacon in it (that doesn't have anything to do with weight loss, I just really like bacon), but I couldn't begin to tell you who is running in the next election? My brain is totally distorted, and I blame it all on the media.
Yes, my wonderful followers, it is finally here: the blog post about why media in all of its forms has the number one priority to destroy a woman's soul. I want you to do some brainstorming pertaining to commercials. Think about the women on these commercials. What do they look like and what are they selling? And if there is a husband in the commercial, what does he look like? Most of the time, if there is a husband in the commercial, his looks are way below her league. Sorry, but it just has to be said because I know we're all thinking it. However, if the man in the commercial looks like the type to hear the letters GQ and thinks that you're talking about his level intelligence, he has some girl with a body that is fifty percent hers and fifty percent plastic on his arm. Is that fair? No, I think not. But this is a not a topic about battle of the sexes because that is one issue you do not want to hear from me; I'm an antifeminist...sorry, call me traitor. One day I realized that almost every commercial was geared towards women and providing reasons that they shouldn't be happy. I hate one commercial specifically about cereal because it's all about losing weight, and these women (hundreds of them) are running to the box, and they are all tiny and cute. There's not a single man in the commercial. And every resolution commercial is geared towards women losing weight, working out more, or pooping regularly. I guess that's a secret resolution that women sneak on their list that only the consumer pleasers know about. What do men get as commercials?
Men's Commercial for Weight Loss:
"I lost 40lbs on NutriSystem, and now I can have longer sex."
Men's Commercial for Toiletries:
"I showered with this amazing product, and twenty hot girls are lined up to towel me off."
Men's Commercial for Hair Loss:
"I have hair, and now I can date high schoolers again."
Men's Commercial for Hobby:
1-800-I'm Hotter In Your Mind Than I Am In Person
Men's Commercial for Food:
A twenty second video of an overly hot girl mouth raping a hamburger.
Men's Commercial for Life Insurance:
Hot girl wearing nothing but whip cream...Announcer: "Can your heart handle this? Get life insurance!"
Men's Commercial for Rotor Rooter:
Hot girl plumber crack.
Men's Commercial for Coffee:
Boobs!
I guess I could be snooty and say that this is how simple the male brain is, and the female brain is so highly functioning that it takes complicated commercials to persuade us to even think about the product, but that's not right either. Say it with me now, Sex Sells!!! And I hate that it does because it is not rubbed in only the men's faces, which they enjoy too much, but it is also rubbed in ours...the girlfriends, the fiances, the wives, the women. Men get commercials where overly, gorgeous women are throwing themselves at the men because they switched to Geico, and women get commercials filled with these words: Bloated, odor, fat, bumpy, greasy, itchy, wide, ache, scaly, thinning, fried, blemish, watery, bags, cramps, hairy, depression, redness, embarrassing, tightens, flow, irritating, blotchy, sweat, wrinkle, brittle, slimming, dingy, smelly, unclean, age defying, constipated, tender, infected, dry, swollen, crows feet, bladder, and the list goes on. Men get magazines with bikini models on them. Women get magazines with bikini models on them with the words, "Look Like This" under her name. It's just a never ending battle. Once we feel pretty good about who we are and what we just accomplished, there's a commercial that pops up somewhere that lets us know that we could be so much better. Irritating!!! And so the circle of Inner-Fat-Kid-Abuse continues...
As much as I hate the breaking-a-woman-down mentality that the media seems to possess, there's nothing that can be changed. That's just the way it is. And I promise, the last thing I need is some PR major messaging me about the dynamics of consumerism; I get it. I just also happen to find it annoying, to each their own. Anyway, all of this ranting and raving, and somewhat distant and random blog, finally concludes me in making this point, especially to those who are just like me and feel that these commercials and magazine covers are made specifically to crush me and anything that resembles confidence or positive self-esteem. If I gave even half as much energy to the positive words I hear directed literally towards only me, "We're so proud of you (family). Abigail, you look so happy (friends). Mrs. Newton, we miss you so much (students). Honey, you are gorgeous (husband)," as I do the negative energy to headlines meant for the masses, how would my attitude about myself change? Oh yeah, that's a gold nugget Abigail thought...not a chicken nugget, but a gold one...think about it. No, not about the chicken nugget, about displaced energy; work with me here.
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