I Yelled at God, but He Yelled Louder

Seyo is happily running around the house since she now has the room to do so--14 hours in a car will test any cat's patience--I've unloaded the Pathfinder, leaving everything by the front door; I've crawled into bed sans washing face due to being so tired, but I couldn't go to sleep without sharing this. I was going to type a facebook post tonight about it, but I realized it might be too long of a post for the ol' FB. It was going to be something along the lines of this, but now that I have the comfort of blog space, it's probably more wordy than intended:

As I was driving home tonight, I really felt the hand of God on my heart, and it felt good. Little of you know that it hasn't always been that way. Around four years ago, I was at one of my lowest points in life. In a short span of time, I endured my second miscarriage, my first husband had moved out, alcohol use was frequent, and I devoted every second of my life to the gym where I worked myself crazy so I would be too exhausted to feel emotions. One night when the workouts didn't suffice and I was faced with having to sort through my emotions, I got mad at God for "putting" me through so much pain. And I swear to you that this 100% true--I was so mad and so emotional that I sat in my living room floor, bawling, "God, I quit! I can't do this anymore. I don't know what you want from me. I don't know what you want me to learn, but I quit trying to figure it out. I'm yours. You do what you want with me because I'm too d**n tired to do it myself!! If you want me to hurt, fine! If you want me to be happy, fine! I SURRENDER!! I don't care anymore. Do whatever...!" That night, I cried myself to sleep. The next day, Reuben called me.

I've told Reuben that story many times and have explained to him that I truly see him as a gift from God. Could it be a coincidence? We'll never know. But because of how the events unfolded, I believe in the words "I surrender." When I surrendered my words, my heart, my trust, my beliefs, my life to God, things instantly got better. When I said that I surrendered, I really did. I had to put that trust out there. I couldn't just say it and then still try to hold the reigns. Fast forward to today, I have an amazing family who bends over backwards for me, a husband who does not let miles stop him from making me feel flawless, multiple communities that make me feel appreciated, friends from all over the world who put energy into maintaining our friendship, and Seyo...can't leave her out.

Some of those things existed in my life always, like my very supportive family and incredible friendships, but I wasn't ever in a place that I could see it. I honestly didn't know how to count my blessings. I was too busy trying to create what I thought should be blessings. "What's a better blessing than a baby?" I was so wrapped up in what I didn't have...I let it consume me. To say that I am blessed is an understatement. But I thought about this a lot tonight, and I openly communicated my gratitude to God.

I'm not saying I'm the perfect Christian; I'm far from it, but I can honestly say that I'm trying. Since God has made such an effort into showing me that He hears me, the least I can do is try. My heart is happier because of it. With that being said, I urge you to make 2014 the year you surrender if you have yet to do so. I just really don't even know what I'm trying to say anymore. All I know is my heart is bursting with a feeling that I want everyone to experience. I want nothing more than for the people in my life to feel the peace of mind that comes with making that declaration. I'm grateful for my life and the direction it took. I look forward to 2014 and all the blessings God has in store.