Well, folks, it's coming around to be that time of year again. That special time of year when the air turns cold and crisp and every fast food restaurant is serving some type of hot beverage with either the word "pumpkin" or "spice" in the title. That amazing time of year where I for some reason adopt the ability of a Mighty Morphin Power Ranger and become a big, fluffy, cozy, lazy bear and hibernate for days or weeks at a time with a toss here or a turn there, so I can dislodge the fork out of my back or remove the Swedish Fish that got lost in my sea of skin folds. Ahhhhhhh, yes, just thinking about it right now made me pull up my husband's wool socks, which I have successfully stolen, to my mid calves (and they just slid right back down), and I think I just sunk another three inches into the couch. Yep, it's this time of year that gets me into trouble. There are way too many things that equate for me to become what I hate most in life: a sloth.
Just think about it:
Cold weather + Halloween candy( Thanksgiving dinner + stocking stuffers + Buckeyes) - (lack of sunlight/laziness) + TBS movie marathon of The Christmas Story to the third power x every vegetable in the world covered with cream of mushroom soup and bread crumbs( get togethers + my awesomeness) - any gym activity = Slothigail
The formula is not wrong. All you need to do is use the order of operations, Please Excuse My Dear Aunt Sally that thing out, find the diameter of my butt and the square root of my cellulite while computing the area of my apathy, and boom...Slothigail is the only answer. I know, right?!? It only makes sense. It's moments like these that make people wonder why I chose to major in English Education. What can I say? It's a gift.
I work all year long to do my New Year's Resolutions justice just to ruin myself October through December. After eating my third turkey and a block of cheese, I quickly chug my fifth gallon of egg nog, then for no reason at all blame my over indulgence on Nutrisystem Commercials or the fact that Alf really is never coming back on TV, which leads to me breaking out the pencil and paper to get myself pumped for making the same darn resolutions...hmmm, I'm like Tim Burton talking to Johnny Depp about a new movie, "Okay, so I want you to do my new, innovative movie. Check it out, okay, so it will be either claymation or a remake of something that's already been done, and you'll play a dead person, right? And you'll have bags under your eyes, right? And there will be a girl, right? And get this, you'll want her, but you can't have her until the end of the movie! Bam! I'm awesome...oh yeah, you'll have to sing a song or twenty." That's me, implementing the same ideas over and over...however, I'm not walking around with billions of dollars, nor have I created a gothic teen sensation of sacrificing guinea pigs to Jack Skellington...so I need to jump on the Tim Burton wagon and tweak my same idea so it can actually work.
I've been tweaking, and this is what I've tweaked (ahhh, that just made me giggle): I'm starting some resolutions now with the goal to be completed by New Year's Day. Yeah, that's right, I'm making new rules to this whole resolution thing. I refuse for any of my resolutions to have anything to with weight loss, exercise, or cyber stalking, so I will start my goals now. By starting now, I will free up my time to create real resolutions, important ones. Like being a better Christian, learning a new Korean word a week, trying a new recipe book, befriending someone at the gym, or finding the answers to life's hardest questions, like why I must put one cup of hot water in my Hamburger Helper when it also calls for two cups of milk? The cold to hot ratio is off balance there, so why must I have hot water? Or finally answer the infamous and toughest question of who, who, who, who, who let the dogs out?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!! (I'm thinking it's the same person who took the cookie from the cookie jar.)
My husband and I recently flew to the states to attend a wedding and have a wedding.We were celebrating the happiness of my girlfriend, Amy, and her fiance, Garrett, at their beautiful rehearsal dinner two weeks ago. A friend asked me why I wasn't drinking a glass of wine with dinner, and I answered with, "Well, these pants have a button, and I'd like it to stay there." The answer could have been seen as cute, but I was being serious. When your clothes are hindering you from eating, tying your shoe, or more importantly, drinking alcohol, you must do something about it, and that's when I thought that something had to change. I woke up the next day geared and ready to go with this new idea! I will not let clothes decide my comfort level! So I wore a dress that did not hug the body (thank you, Amy), and wine was had!!! And after that night, wine shall never be had again...anyway... A week later it took two people and the Jaws of Life for me to get into my own wedding dress when just a few months prior I was able to jump in that thing and zip it myself. Oh Abigail, what have you done to yourself? These two weeks of breaking into a sweat by squeezing into pants made me think if I could actually justify holiday behavior when I'm already struggling to fit in my pajammies. (My husband actually had a "sweat pant intervention" and asked that if I insist on wearing sweat pants all the time, can they at least be girl sweat pants. He makes a good point. My heather gray men's Hanes sweat pants are not the most flattering, but there's something about having the waist pulled up to my arm pits that make me feel thinner...hmmm. I hear ya, sweetheart.)
So with that being said, it's time to switch it up and do something new. It only makes sense: new husband, new country, new life, new wool socks, new approach to resolutions. You'll also see a lot more blog activity because I will be updating you often on the resolutions, so that means that you all have to hold me accountable. My resolutions are listed in no specific order:
Lose .5-1lb a week
Maintain the "no curse words" rule (my husband and I are now two months free of using no curse words!!)
Lose .5-1lb a week
Finish the Insanity Workout
Lose .5-1lb a week
Blog once to twice a week
Lose .5-1lb a week
Have back bedroom unpacked
Lose .5-1lb a week
Implement our "eat out only twice a month" rule
Lose .5-1lb a week
Research how to use coupons
Lose .5-1lb a week
Lose .5-1lb a week
Lose .5-1lb a week
And those resolutions will be completed by New Years, and they will not be put on my resolution list! Again, I will update often on how it's working out, and I will be completely honest about everything. This is a genius idea and they only come to me about once an hour, so use it while it's here, sister. I suggest making your New Years easier by starting now and freeing up that list you'll make on January first but then throw away on January fifth. I'm actually excited about this. Watch out husband of mine, I'll soon be wearing pants minus a drawstring or elastic...but I'm keeping the wool socks no matter what size I am.
(BTW: The cookie jar game, that game never lasted long when I played. They'd chant, "You took the cookie from the cookie jar," and while they were waiting for the famous, "Who me?" I'd answer with a simple, "Yes..yes, I did." Game over...Abigail always took the cookie...my inner fat kid sabotaging me once again.)
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