Anyone who really knows me can tell you that I can take the topic of weight loss or dieting to the extreme. I do believe my friends have heard me gripe or obsess about it so much that they want to rip the second piece of cake that I served to myself out of my hands and say, "Enough with it! We get it! You're 'fat.' Are you happy now?" And I can tell you if that were to ever happen, I would be emotionally destroyed...I mean to waste a perfectly good piece of cake like that! Geesh, what were they thinking? It's cake for crying out loud...delicious, icing covered perfection that even Paula Deen would lush over...c'mon, Abigail, back on track. Okay, so you've found me out. I'm a hypocrite. I know, I know, here...Hi, my name is Abigail Newton, and I'm a dieting-food-junkie. I like to think that this is incredibly common. By 'this' I mean having a terrible fear and anxiety about my body and how much I weigh. This anxiety rules every ounce of my day, and when the day is done and I'm all black and blue from my personal verbal abuse, I turn to food. That doesn't really make much sense to me, but I do it all of the time, almost daily but there are different degrees (that is its own future discussion).
Unfortunately, I am a carrier. I rub off on people. Some of my friends feel the need to confess to me: "Abigail, I've been bad today." Seriously, most of my conversations go straight to that topic in the first five minutes. Why? Because I have been so vocal about it for so many years. Therefore, if my bad attitude and obsession with food have influenced this "confession" habit, what/who can I influence by tackling the topic head on? There is no more denial. I know who I am, and I recognize my struggle, but I also recognize my self-worth (through the help of my husband, of course) and my self-worth is not measured by a number on the scale. I say this with confidence, mostly because I just ate a delicious ice cream covered brownie my nephew made for me and this attitude feels a lot better than guilt...so yeah, I embrace that brownie (I hope there are more in the kitchen) and the new cellulite bump that it gave me!!!!! I will not ask myself why; I will not get disgusted with myself because I am suppose to be doing weightwatchers online; I will not calculate how many miles I'll have to run in order to burn the brownie calories (that's just because I'm bad at math); I will not remind myself that I have a goal; I will not look at every woman I pass today and do instant comparisons; I will not think about it all evening! So, if I will not do all of those things, why am I already doing it? What's really bothersome to me is I know I'm not the only one. I am more than ready to dig to the root of the estrogen controlled brain to understand why we freak out like we do. I want to be able to have healthy conversations about the problems we have, not the "problems" we think we have. I am ready to put all of the "ugly" out there in order to find that ounce of beauty. That's something I want for everyone...but you'll have to excuse me for now because there are brownies in the kitchen and then I'll be at the gym for the remainder of the evening...
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