PMS + Slow Carb = Epic Fail

     I just wanted to provide with you, my readers, a quick little snip-it about me. Ummm...I'm taking this week to reevaluate the Slow Carb diet. Yes, it works; yes, it's strickt; yes, I get to have fun on Saturdays; but, I just need some time to get back on the horse. I really was excited about taking bathing suit pictures because there was about a day when I was completely rockin' it. I was loving every mirror in my house, which is saying a lot because we have a ton of mirrors. There are multiple opportunities in a day where I can check myself or cringe, and believe you me, I was checkin' out my goods.

     But guess what that day was? That was the one and only day of every second month that I am not PMSing. I swear, I was born to be the slave of my own hormones. There is literally only one day in a blue moon where I am pleasant from start to finish, and that day is usually almost over by the time my husband and I realize that day was had. So, yeah, no bathing suit pics until that day rolls around again. I'm over this whole PMSing bit, and so is my husband. It's bad y'all, and I really try to get my husband to understand that I can't help it. Do you ever just wake up pissed off? I mean, right off the bat, don't touch me, everything sucks pissed off! You know what's funny about that question? Everyone who just answered "Preach it, sister" to that question is female. I wish the men could experience for one day what we experience every month. I love their argument, too, "Well, you girls don't know how bad it hurts to get hit down there." No, no we don't, but we do know what it's like to have the inner lining of our uterus ripped from our insides and pulsed out of us in a slow, soul damaging process EVERY SINGLE MONTH!!!! Here are the things I would like for men to endure:

Lower back cramps
Dull lower tummy cramps that constantly remind them that the inside organs are not happy
Tender boobage
Shrek feet
Shrek hands
Explosive under the skin tender as all get out invisible blemishes
Hot flash that could cause stripping in public
Bleeding solids
Finding out the tampon box that has been under the sink all month has actually been empty the whole time
Walking down the street to experience out of nowhere a knife stabbing pain shooting straight up the abdomen forcing them to stop on their tippy toes and squirm until the pain subsides
Irrational paranoid driven thoughts that make them think they have no purpose but to eat food
Emotional outburst brought on by anything with round eyes or fluffy fur
Trying to wear a weeks worth of outfits that do not have waist bands
Having to go to the bathroom "just to check" that there are no accidents...in our 30s!!!!
An extreme detest for anyone who is ten pounds lighter than they are
Having to stop murdering anyone at any given time for any given reason

Can you tell that today is not that beautiful day my husband and I look forward to? Women are amazing. There's something to be said about a species that can bleed for seven days and not die. Anyway...I'm taking this week to gain control of myself. Seriously, this was the food purchased for a weekend trip to the beach...for two people!! Okay, just one, because my husband was born with self control.

    WHO DOES THAT??? I never ate like that in my life!!! And do you know how much of that came back with us??? Close to none because I ate it all. That's the problem with this diet. I literally go mad, like certifiably insane and overdo it when I'm near food. I eat until I hurt, and that's just not the way a healthy diet should go. Again, I need to gain control.

     I know I'm doing the typical "Abigail isn't following through on her word" bit, but are you understanding the above picture??? Next week is a new week, a week that is void of all the junk on the counter and hopefully the junk in the trunk!

The Ugly Side of Carb Free

     I'm kind of struggling this week. I feel like Betty White could beat me at an arm wrestling competition only using her pinky. When doing this diet, there are days that I feel this way, and that's just part of the process. If one practices this diet long enough, that "I hate the world" feeling eventually goes away. I said eventually...so that really hasn't happened for me yet. To sum it up: I'm bitter.

"Well, Abigail, if you're so bitter, you can always quit this stupid diet and doing something more sensible and possible."

-I know! This is more of a self discipline practice than anything else. I'm trying to show myself that I can be committed to something for more than a couple of weeks. I've not cheated once during the week...not even a little bit!!! I'd hate to throw all of that away now.

"Have you gotten the results that you're looking for? Is being bitter worth it?"

-Are you freakin' serious? Do I have results? Well, apparently not if you're standing there asking me questions. If I had results, you'd look at me and be all, "Wow, where did you go, Flabby Abbey?" I mean, I thought I did until you said that!!! (Hint: never ever ever ever ever ask someone if their diet is working...that's just a punch in their face and a soon to be punch in yours).

"Okay, so what's your plan? You're just going to go around hating life to lose one or two pounds? I can't wait to hang out with you; you're going to be so tolerable (eye roll)."

-Ummm, I'm still working on the long term plan, thank you. I know that I can't do this forever. There are people who do, but if I plan on not being convicted of a felony for holding up a bakery, then I need to figure out a smooth transition into a regular eating pattern.

"You know what would help? You not going all psycho on your cheat days...you could use that day to eat your fruits and whole grains."

-BLASPHEMY!

     Well, it's only a few days until I give myself a final weigh in, but then I remembered that the bikini pictures were taken on the 8th of July, so I actually have until the 8th of August. I'm definitely going to wait until that day to do the pictures. I'm feeling bloated and murderous...bikini pictures are not on the top of my To Do list right now. Anyway, this was just a quick snip it of my week...blog venting, if you will. And here are some thoughts that have crossed my mind this week:

Talking to my girlfriend on the phone yesterday:

Her: "How's the diet?"

Me: "I'd slap your mother through the face for an Oreo right now."

*  "Sugar free Jello would be a lot better if it was a Kit Kat."

*  "It's not that I want to be thin, I just want everyone else to be really fat."

Talking to a coworker about what it's like living in Korea:

Me: "All the women here are so beautiful."

Her: "Yeah, it's hard. In America you'd be considered somewhat fit, but here you're a big girl."

Me: ...death stare....

Husband tells me to make grocery list for cheat day:

Me: "Challenge accepted!"

Yesterday, I chewed one and a half packs of gum just to taste something sweet...c'mon weekend!!