WARNING! Yeah, I just thought I should go ahead and prepare you with a great, big, FAT warning; a warning so big that the surgeon general just quivered at the mere thought of putting it in print. WARNING...I'm in a mood. Here's the deal (my mom's favorite three words), I understand that you read these posts with possible feelings of gigglyishness (yeah, that's an adjective) or lightheartedness or anything that makes you smile, but not today, because for every four to five posts that are happy, you have to put up with the ones where I'm in a mood. And no, PMS is not involved...my husband knows the hour PMS starts and ignores anything ugly I have to say for awhile (for me, PMS is nothing more than a short period of exorcism...it takes about 6-8 days for the demon to come out), but since there is no PMS, you may not ignore my rant and rave. In fact, some of y'all may have this exact feeling, and what is that feeling you may wonder? No, it's not that Oprah wrapped up her show, even though I feel that she didn't even take my feelings into consideration; I mean, c'mon, sister Oprah, I thought we were tight...I see how it is, though. I still have Sarah Jessica Parker...anyway....
I'M FRUSTRATED! Yes, the Frustrated Abigail has tuned in today to write this post. She has tied the Fit Abigail to a treadmill with Spice Girls blaring on repeat (So...tell me what you want, what you really really want...), locked the Fat Abigail in a McDonalds with a never ending supply of Rolo McFlurries topped with BigMacs (hold the lettuce because heaven knows nothing green can be on it), and the Frustrated Abigail is standing on a soapbox of irk and self pity. I am frustrated that I have to work ten times harder than anyone I know to MAINTAIN a weight that is considered obese!!!! I am sick and tired of clocking in at the gym to kill myself to unworldly soreness (I hurt to a debilitating point everyday...my hips...my knees) just so I can eat what I want, which is still minimal to most people I know. And right now, some of you all are rolling your eyes because you have seen what I eat...just note that I don't eat like that every day, and you also don't see the hours of workout I did to try and cancel that meal out. I watched my husband eat Oreos for breakfast yesterday, this was after I had my plain oatmeal and went on a five mile run, and I was so jealous of him (my husband...he's so gorgeous...and what y'all didn't just see was me leaning back in my chair to daydream about him for 5-10 mins...ahhhhh).
I don't know why it has built up in me today. I guess because it's one of those days when I rolled over in bed to wake up, I noticed the back-fat-fold leading to the stomach-fat-belly button-eating-fold and thought, "Seriously!" I'm freaking out here! What am I supposed to do??? I just went from a life where I was working out close to four hours a day to a life where I can take my time and workout when I please, but there's something about being accounted for at the gym...I probably wouldn't have gone half the time if I wasn't the one teaching the classes. Don't get me wrong, now, you know I love working out and being a beast, but man. So yeah, I'm freaking out a little bit. I'm gaining weight steadily, and it's just not fair that I HAVE to workout four hours a day to maintain an "unhealthy" weight...bite me, BMI chart!
Do you get what I'm saying, though? I promise that if anyone else does what I do, they'd have the perfect body, but my body is not only far from magazine cover material, it is always on a steady weight gain. The minute I cross a calorie line...boom...five pounds. Why?????????????????????????? And what does it take to lose that five pounds? About a month of hard work and broccoli for dinner every night (seriously, that's what I have to do). I've had my thyroid checked, and it's fine. I've been told by a lot of people, including doctors, that I should be a lot smaller than what I am with as much as I do, and I say, "Well, duh, and thanks for noticing, now if you'll excuse me, I feel the need to take a cheese grater to my double chin."
If you're a girl in my life, it's time for me to be honest to you, I've sized you up. Yep, that's what I do. I size every female up and inspect every inch...and I'm green with envy. How awful is that? That's pretty bad. But I can't help but to walk around and look at all these girls and ask why I couldn't have this or that. There hasn't been a single girl who I've inspected that I didn't want something from. I just want to look at my reflection, and say, "Okay, this I can deal with." It sucks. I am telling you that it sucks to walk around hating my body and wanting everyone else's. It hurts staring in the mirror with tears in my eyes asking myself what more can I do. It breaks my heart, and my husband's, when I can't walk with my head held high when he tells me I'm perfect, beautiful, and flawless. We were watching a movie the other night, and Jennifer Aniston's perfectness made me sick. I looked at my husband out of nowhere and told him that I couldn't ever look like that, and asked if he was okay with it. He doesn't deserve that treatment from me. I don't deserve that treatment from myself! Females in my life don't deserve to get molested with my eyes when they walk into a room!!
My little sister asked me one time what we would obsess over if we didn't obsess over our weight. What in our lives would be as important as the hours we put into measuring our food, counting our calories, comparing fat grams, researching new eating habits, sweating at the gym, soothing injured muscles, hating other girls (oh, you know you're just as guilty), talking ourselves out of indulgence, being jealous of other's willpower, spending money on detox meds, or anything else related to it??? I couldn't answer. I try to imagine a life where I didn't care, and I have honestly tried to be happy, but then I turn on the tv, read a magazine, go online, or walk outside, and I am reminded in thousands of different ways why my body is not good enough. C'mon, media, quit rubbing these body images in our faces and telling us that's what we need to be!
Do you want to see me have an anxiety attack? Tell me to put on a bathing suit...you'd think I was just told the world was about to end. I can feel my heart rate increase right now....breathe, Abigail. I've told you before that I don't choose to be this way. I don't know when it happened, but for all of my life I have been upset with my body. I'm not fishing for compliments. I'm relating to those who do and feel the same. It seems petty, and believe me it is, but it's still there, and it's still frustrating. I feel ya, sisters.
So yeah, the Frustrated Abigail says it's not fair. My Frustrated Followers are saying, "Abigail, shut up, read your past posts, and be grateful for what you have." I am, I am...I told you this was a pity party, so just deal with me, okay? We all have these pity parties. I am showing you that it's okay to have those days where you want to break every mirror in the house, outlaw shorts or miniskirts (stupid girls in their stupid shorts with their stupid legs without the stupid cellulite around their stupid thighs while walking on the stupid road in their stupid heels because their stupid legs aren't stupidly long enough for their stupid perfect body and their stupid hair that tops their stupid face that I hope gets pooped on by a bird!), burn every fitness magazine that tells me that I can lose five lbs in ten minutes by cutting out negative energy and croutons, and dive head first into a vat of cake batter ice cream while yelling, "I give up!"
No, I don't feel bad about going on this rant and rave. I warned you in the very beginning, and we've made it to the end. I know I'm not alone. I know that every single girl has her day...today was mine. Having just yammered on about it makes breathing a bit easier. Even though I think the way my body responds to food but not activity is not fair, I know that I am blessed. I have a lot going for me: my health for starters - the fact that I'm healthy enough to workout four hours a day is a blessing - my husband who tolerates these Frustrated Abigail days with patience, my family who doesn't question me, but understands me, and my followers who read this and say it's okay now snap out of it. I'm snapping out of it. Please don't look at me and say, "How can you write this post, but tell us to think positively in all the other posts?" Because I can, darn it...I'm human. Now that we have shaken some of the frustration away, let's enjoy the day, count our blessings, embrace our health, smile that smile, and secretly curse anyone you just eye molested.
Friday, August 19, 2011
Friday, August 12, 2011
I'm Too Sexy for Your Face....Too Sexy for Your Face...lalala
I am female; therefore, I am flawed. No, don't start doing that roll your eyes, "Oh, here she goes again," look because you know what I say is true. I am flawed. "Yes, Abigail, we are all flawed. No one is perfect." True, little inner fat kid, but if I asked everyone who was reading this right now to write a list of their flaws, especially the ladies, how many of those characteristics would be physical attributes? Too many!!! And who is there to blame for that? Everyone including yourself!!!
Whoa, that seemed a little harsh. All at once I'm asking you to beat yourself up, and then I'm blaming you for doing it. I'm not trying to be purposely bring down your personal moral, but it's time to start understanding why we think the way we do. Today's topic is getting you to accept those "flaws" and look at them as personalized, uniques charateristics. First of all, who said they were flaws? Uhhhh...I'm guessing you did. Why do you consider them flaws? I'm guessing you are paying way too much attention to the media and your little inner fat kid telling you lies. I guarantee that you if you made another list, a happy list, about how many compliments you receive compared to the negative comments, the "beautiful" words would out weigh the "ugly." I swear, ladies, sometimes we walk around and act like this is a typical conversation:
"Hi, Abigail, how are you and your pores doing today?
"Well, we're both feeling really big and noticeable today? And you, how are you doing after having to squeeze in those jeans? Wishing you could breathe right about now, huh?"
"Yeah, I do. And don't worry, your pores are noticeable, but not compared to your damaged hair. Oh, and I can see that you're not doing weight watchers anymore...unless you're keeping up with your weight gain."
"I figure if I gain enough weight, then I would finally be happily depressed! You know...just give up having hope of looking anything like what I do, but at least I don't look like you. You sure do have an ugly face..."
Seriously, ladies! Is that how it goes...? NO. In fact, as evil and malicious as girls are, we are very complimentary to each other. If you think about it, if we are so freaking critical of ourselves, think about how nice it is to get a compliment from the most critical people on earth...not Simon Cowell, us. For a girl to look at you and say, "Wow, I love your makeup," or "How do you get your hair to do that?" is huge!!!!! Girls aren't really known for being nice just to be nice.
So, these flaws that we have dubbed to be the biggest pain in our flawed butts only comes from ourselves. Why, though? I have said many times, that you are you, and there's no point to be something you're not. As much as I want to blame the media for setting the standards for what is socially acceptable as being beautiful, it's time to be an adult and accept what we have. Yes, it drives me crazy that the media talks down to girls, but that's a future post...more like a future b*tch session. It's no wonder we're messed up, media folk! You talk to us like we're herds of cattle needing to be lead to the closest fat farm so you can manipulate us into thinking that we are imperfect or need to be on antidepressants when, in fact, we're perfectly fine!!!! Again...future post.
I need you to stop looking in the scrutinizing yourself in the mirror...that includes sucking in, pulling your thigh fat back to see what it would look like if they didn't touch, lifting your butts cheeks with the hope of seeing the skin under it (or in my case, the tan line...haha), flapping that Oprah-wing while flexing just to see if it still moves, hitting runway poses to see what angle looks best on you, or any of the other silly bathroom routines we do before finally leaving all huffy and puffy because we hate what we see. You know what men do? Wet their hair, shave their face, slap on some smell good stuff, and hit the road!!!! (I don't dare question their actions when they're in there for more than ten minutes...they might be secretly practicing N'Sync moves, but I don't wanna know).
The only person that views you as flawed is yourself. Everyone else around you views you as being off the charts amazing...I promise they do. Do yourself a favor...shut up. Seriously, just for once, see you as I see you, or your kids see you, or as your husband sees you, or your friends, parents, coworkers...anyone who you come into contact with on a daily basis sees you better than you'll ever see yourself.
I understand that it is easier said than done. We're trained to hate our bodies. Well, since we have spent so much time going down that road, let's go down the other for a change and see how that suits us. I can almost bet that you'll come out a lot happier, less "flawed", much healthier, and glowing with "I'm better than you" mentality. Treat life like a catwalk and strut it...and if you trip on the catwalk because of your ten inch stilettos, than at least you looked great doing it!
Side note: Due to my recent move to Korea, my whole entire blog menu is in Korean; therefore, I can't figure out what is what to make changes on the main page. I'm working on it slowly, but surely. That is why there is a slight delay on adding the video...haha...I can't read on where I go to upload it. But be patient with me. Now...go strut your stuff!
Whoa, that seemed a little harsh. All at once I'm asking you to beat yourself up, and then I'm blaming you for doing it. I'm not trying to be purposely bring down your personal moral, but it's time to start understanding why we think the way we do. Today's topic is getting you to accept those "flaws" and look at them as personalized, uniques charateristics. First of all, who said they were flaws? Uhhhh...I'm guessing you did. Why do you consider them flaws? I'm guessing you are paying way too much attention to the media and your little inner fat kid telling you lies. I guarantee that you if you made another list, a happy list, about how many compliments you receive compared to the negative comments, the "beautiful" words would out weigh the "ugly." I swear, ladies, sometimes we walk around and act like this is a typical conversation:
"Hi, Abigail, how are you and your pores doing today?
"Well, we're both feeling really big and noticeable today? And you, how are you doing after having to squeeze in those jeans? Wishing you could breathe right about now, huh?"
"Yeah, I do. And don't worry, your pores are noticeable, but not compared to your damaged hair. Oh, and I can see that you're not doing weight watchers anymore...unless you're keeping up with your weight gain."
"I figure if I gain enough weight, then I would finally be happily depressed! You know...just give up having hope of looking anything like what I do, but at least I don't look like you. You sure do have an ugly face..."
Seriously, ladies! Is that how it goes...? NO. In fact, as evil and malicious as girls are, we are very complimentary to each other. If you think about it, if we are so freaking critical of ourselves, think about how nice it is to get a compliment from the most critical people on earth...not Simon Cowell, us. For a girl to look at you and say, "Wow, I love your makeup," or "How do you get your hair to do that?" is huge!!!!! Girls aren't really known for being nice just to be nice.
So, these flaws that we have dubbed to be the biggest pain in our flawed butts only comes from ourselves. Why, though? I have said many times, that you are you, and there's no point to be something you're not. As much as I want to blame the media for setting the standards for what is socially acceptable as being beautiful, it's time to be an adult and accept what we have. Yes, it drives me crazy that the media talks down to girls, but that's a future post...more like a future b*tch session. It's no wonder we're messed up, media folk! You talk to us like we're herds of cattle needing to be lead to the closest fat farm so you can manipulate us into thinking that we are imperfect or need to be on antidepressants when, in fact, we're perfectly fine!!!! Again...future post.
I need you to stop looking in the scrutinizing yourself in the mirror...that includes sucking in, pulling your thigh fat back to see what it would look like if they didn't touch, lifting your butts cheeks with the hope of seeing the skin under it (or in my case, the tan line...haha), flapping that Oprah-wing while flexing just to see if it still moves, hitting runway poses to see what angle looks best on you, or any of the other silly bathroom routines we do before finally leaving all huffy and puffy because we hate what we see. You know what men do? Wet their hair, shave their face, slap on some smell good stuff, and hit the road!!!! (I don't dare question their actions when they're in there for more than ten minutes...they might be secretly practicing N'Sync moves, but I don't wanna know).
The only person that views you as flawed is yourself. Everyone else around you views you as being off the charts amazing...I promise they do. Do yourself a favor...shut up. Seriously, just for once, see you as I see you, or your kids see you, or as your husband sees you, or your friends, parents, coworkers...anyone who you come into contact with on a daily basis sees you better than you'll ever see yourself.
I understand that it is easier said than done. We're trained to hate our bodies. Well, since we have spent so much time going down that road, let's go down the other for a change and see how that suits us. I can almost bet that you'll come out a lot happier, less "flawed", much healthier, and glowing with "I'm better than you" mentality. Treat life like a catwalk and strut it...and if you trip on the catwalk because of your ten inch stilettos, than at least you looked great doing it!
Side note: Due to my recent move to Korea, my whole entire blog menu is in Korean; therefore, I can't figure out what is what to make changes on the main page. I'm working on it slowly, but surely. That is why there is a slight delay on adding the video...haha...I can't read on where I go to upload it. But be patient with me. Now...go strut your stuff!
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Please, Don't Make Me Gag...Just Do It
Soooooooo....a little interesting fact about me - you may not find it interesting, but I don't care - is the animal I hate most in the world is...? Can you guess it? No, really, go for it, guess. Lady Gaga? Huh? I'm confused...I said animal, not a...ummm...hmmm....uhhhh...(scratching my head, pondering deeply, doing "The Thinker" pose) well, I guess your categorizing is pretty accurate. Anyway, no, my answer is a three-toed sloth. Ewwww, gross, gag, willies, keep those freaky, little things away from me. Why you may wonder? They are genuinely ugly, seriously. There is nothing cute to them. Have you ever seen one swim? Their arms are longer than their bodies, and when they swim, their mold-filled fur is all wet making their heads that much smaller and their eyes that much bigger with their go-go gadget arms coming to get you at a surprising fast pace, for a sloth anyway. Not only for those reasons, but I also dislike them for the fact that they are lazy. "Well, duh, Sherlock Abigail, they are called sloths for a reason." For crying outloud, they are too lazy to die. They just hang in the tree until their body rots to the ground. Blah! I'm just saying that any animal that is named after one of the seven deadly sins is not loved by me. Anytime you say that a sloth is cute, I want you to imagine what an animal named greed, envy, or gluttony would look like (kinda like a three year old me with my Halloween candy).
I swear I have a relevant point to all of this. As much as I am an advocate for eating what makes you healthy and happy, having a thought process that makes you healthy and happy, and dressing in way that makes you feel healthy and happy, I cannot condone a lifestyle that is inactive due to choice. For the life of me, it confuses me to no end why someone would CHOOSE to keep activity out of their lives. And for those of you who are scoffing at me right now, I am telling you that it is a choice. If you have been blessed with health, then use it.
I have often given my students this, "Oh, bless your heart, sweet fragile child of mine; I am so sorry that you have two able legs, a strong set of lungs, and fully functioning body. I am so sorry that I have asked you to carry on the tedious task of walking to the office (just right down the hall) for me. Wowwe, I know it's a lot, and you haven't really trained for this, but I believe in you. I believe you can make it to the office!!!!" speech when they roll their eyes because they are too tired to get out of their seats. Yet, they'd be willing to fight to the death with their bare hands in the middle of my classroom for a piece of gum, a potato chip, or a week old gummy bear. But that's another story...I mean, they weren't bleeding that badly, and I did like the gummy bear...Anyway...
There are way too many excuses created for not being active: gyms are expensive, I don't have the time due to kids, work, TV watching, etc., it's just not important to me, I don't need to be active, so on and so on. The saddest one I have heard is people telling me that they are "too fat" to workout. I agree that there is a level of intimidation when beginning a new activity, but it is short lived and one that can be overcome. No matter what it is - walking outside, joining a class, joining a gym, biking around the lake - it should be whatever makes you feel the best. I was very nervous the first time I went into the "boys area" to lift weights because I didn't want to mess up their routine, get in their way, or interrupt their cell phone conversation. Eventually, I learned that those groups of guys that hang around the machines to boost each other's confidence for twenty minutes to max out after two reps didn't care about me at all.
Seriously though, there are people all over the world who wish they had a fully functioning body or the health to complete simple tasks. There are also those people in the world who figure out how to continue to be active with the body they have been given. If you can, then you should...simply put. Don't associate activity with losing weight or anything petty like that, associate it with using what God has blessed you with (and yes, I just ended a sentence with a preposition, pfft). Don't let fears or schedules rule something that is so incredibly important. I am not asking you to run a marathon once a week, but I am asking you to think about what you're able to do. You are literally losing nothing by adding activity into your schedule or your family's schedule.
I mean, lazy days are okay every once in a while, like when there is a really good Law and Order (Sex and the City, 30 Minute Meals, Say Yes to the Dress, Full House) marathon on, but don't make it a daily to do. But please do not fall victim to the three-toed sloth because then I would have to cut all ties with you because you'd soon develop those go-go gadget arms, and I'd be forced to gag. I HATE THEM, ugly monkey wannabes. So, why are you still here? Go do something...without the computer, go jump up and down. Actually, that's what I'm about to do because I can't reach the cookies on the top shelf....
(A note to my previous class: I have yet to post the video. I will see if there is a video to post...haha)
I swear I have a relevant point to all of this. As much as I am an advocate for eating what makes you healthy and happy, having a thought process that makes you healthy and happy, and dressing in way that makes you feel healthy and happy, I cannot condone a lifestyle that is inactive due to choice. For the life of me, it confuses me to no end why someone would CHOOSE to keep activity out of their lives. And for those of you who are scoffing at me right now, I am telling you that it is a choice. If you have been blessed with health, then use it.
I have often given my students this, "Oh, bless your heart, sweet fragile child of mine; I am so sorry that you have two able legs, a strong set of lungs, and fully functioning body. I am so sorry that I have asked you to carry on the tedious task of walking to the office (just right down the hall) for me. Wowwe, I know it's a lot, and you haven't really trained for this, but I believe in you. I believe you can make it to the office!!!!" speech when they roll their eyes because they are too tired to get out of their seats. Yet, they'd be willing to fight to the death with their bare hands in the middle of my classroom for a piece of gum, a potato chip, or a week old gummy bear. But that's another story...I mean, they weren't bleeding that badly, and I did like the gummy bear...Anyway...
There are way too many excuses created for not being active: gyms are expensive, I don't have the time due to kids, work, TV watching, etc., it's just not important to me, I don't need to be active, so on and so on. The saddest one I have heard is people telling me that they are "too fat" to workout. I agree that there is a level of intimidation when beginning a new activity, but it is short lived and one that can be overcome. No matter what it is - walking outside, joining a class, joining a gym, biking around the lake - it should be whatever makes you feel the best. I was very nervous the first time I went into the "boys area" to lift weights because I didn't want to mess up their routine, get in their way, or interrupt their cell phone conversation. Eventually, I learned that those groups of guys that hang around the machines to boost each other's confidence for twenty minutes to max out after two reps didn't care about me at all.
Seriously though, there are people all over the world who wish they had a fully functioning body or the health to complete simple tasks. There are also those people in the world who figure out how to continue to be active with the body they have been given. If you can, then you should...simply put. Don't associate activity with losing weight or anything petty like that, associate it with using what God has blessed you with (and yes, I just ended a sentence with a preposition, pfft). Don't let fears or schedules rule something that is so incredibly important. I am not asking you to run a marathon once a week, but I am asking you to think about what you're able to do. You are literally losing nothing by adding activity into your schedule or your family's schedule.
I mean, lazy days are okay every once in a while, like when there is a really good Law and Order (Sex and the City, 30 Minute Meals, Say Yes to the Dress, Full House) marathon on, but don't make it a daily to do. But please do not fall victim to the three-toed sloth because then I would have to cut all ties with you because you'd soon develop those go-go gadget arms, and I'd be forced to gag. I HATE THEM, ugly monkey wannabes. So, why are you still here? Go do something...without the computer, go jump up and down. Actually, that's what I'm about to do because I can't reach the cookies on the top shelf....
(A note to my previous class: I have yet to post the video. I will see if there is a video to post...haha)
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