Momming. Mothering. Mommaing (<-that last fake word sounds Asian). It's hard, point blank. There are plenty of things that one prepares for when procreating because one has watched multiple sitcoms about all the possibilities that may happen when said creation is actually here: one is prepared to diaper a frozen turkey, scold single friends about using the baby as a way to pick-up hotties, get covered in all kinds of body fluids, dread any noise over the baby monitor, fall asleep while the baby entertains oneself with a bag of flour and a switch blade, forget the baby in an elevator, bus, or trolly; as you can see, the general public has been warned about parenthood in the most realistic scenarios. But even though I felt somewhat knowledgable about to expect, there is something that no one actually said out loud...it sucks.
I knew I was going to gain weight that would be impossible to lose, forget about sleeping ever again, be a slave to someone other than myself, rid myself of all things resembling social life, have the patience of a ticking time bomb, and live in a mound of toys and laundry. However, there are other things that totally suck. And when I say suck, I mean SUCKS, like sucks slushies! You know how you get really excited about that slushy that you haven't had since you gained common sense, but you felt a little squirrley at the Sunoco and got one. Once that amazing cherry flavor that doesn't actually taste like cherries glides over your tongue with a red dye that won't let you deny this treat later coats your pallet, you suck it down! We all know what happens when we do that, right? Our brain tries to kill us; we lose all ability to look like a functioning person, wait for the pain to subside, and then do it all again. That pain sucks, y'all! So yeah, back to my point, well, five points to be exact. I reached into my sleep deprived brain and conjured up the five reasons why I think momming sucks slushies (some of these could also be applicable for dadding).
Five Reasons Momming Sucks from Least to Worst:
5. Prison
The moment I had Clara, and I'm talking before they even wiped her down, I knew the probability of me going to prison increased about 118%. You know what's going to send me to prison? Murder. Isn't that awful?! How in the world could I murder someone? It's not even in my nature to fathom something so terrible...oh wait, correction...it wasn't in my nature. I literally became momma bear when I held my cub, and I will shred any threat to pieces. The funny part about it is how easily it gets brought into conversation. Someone will ask me: "Isn't having a child the best? Did she just change your life?" And I have said on numerous occasions, "Oh yes, I never thought I was capable of murdering someone until now." The person to whom I am talking agrees with me! They're like, "Oh goodness, I know what you mean." It's a like a sadistic secret all parents keep to themselves. They all turn into Dexter.
Hurt my child and die. So yeah, going to prison sucks.
4. Bubble
From what I gather from living life, living in a bubble is frowned upon, and that sucks. I want Clara to learn life's greatest lessons, like how to divide the Kit Kat into layers before eating it or how knowing all the words to The Little Mermaid is not a weird habit but a precious gift of knowledge, and I feel like I could teach her these things just fine while bubble dwelling. I want to protect her from all things ugly, all things painful, all things harmful, and all things that could destroy her innocence. Life is suppose to lived and experienced, and my job is to make sure that she's properly prepared to handle various scenarios. Well, I don't wanna!! I want to keep her my precious girl and protect her by raising her in a bubble, but I can't, and that sucks.
3. Headlines
Have you seen headlines lately? Oh em gee, I can't even stand to watch the news anymore. Everything is bloody sad, and since having Clara, it rips my heart out every single time. I literally can't expand on it because it makes me sick to my egg white filled stomach. I have become an irresponsible American and have avoided all news, and I rely on biased shared posts from social media. Clara and I lived in a glitter covered world full of puppies, kitties, Elmo, Mickey Mouse, and raisins. I quit watching the news, and that sucks.
2. Tears
I have always been hyper emotional, and I'm sure Reuben probably created a term for the level of emotion that I feel all things, but until that's shared, let's just say I feel very strongly all the time. I never thought it could get worse...it did. Nothing is the same anymore. I literally cried through Sing the other day because the gorilla was trying to get to his son, the koala was doing all the work to honor his dad, the elephant parents were there for the daughter elephant when she was crying, and the little pigs were so happy to see their momma perform. Who in the world would see Sing as a tear jerker? Moms. I guarantee that moms lost it during that movie. My emotional thermometer is always in the red. I am a basket case because the love for my child is so ridiculously overwhelming that I feel it in every situation. I have become a tissue carrying, cry at the drop of a hat weirdo, and movies will just never be the same...and even though I'm pretty okay with it, other people aren't, and that sucks.
1. Born
Guess what? When you give birth to your child, there is no putting them back, and that sucks most of all! I hated being pregnant, like I was the worst pregnant person in the world. I had heartburn that would literally fill my cheeks when I slept, I became addicted to nasal spray, I threw-up for nine straight months but still gained 60 pounds, I got significant bald spots, and I lost anything that resembled intelligence. Once she was here, though, I wanted to put her back. I wanted to absorb her and experience her all again. Giving birth to Clara was one of the best parts of my life, and I only get to do that once, and that sucks. I have become this weirdo who says things like, "I just want to crush her up and snort her. I want to turn her into lotion and slather her all over me. I want to turn her into a mist and inhale her. I want her to fill me, stay in me, and let me love her with my entire body." I also went through this weird phase where I wanted to have all the babies. "Yes, I feel great just having one, but now I want nine thousand babies...tomorrow. Give me all the babies. I love all the babies." And I do, I love all the babies so much. It's frowned upon to kiss a stranger's baby, and though I understand why it is, that kind of sucks: "Let me love your baby!" Back to my point, there is no putting Clara back in me, so that I can do the best part of life all over again, and that sucks.
Gaining weight is evidence of life. Sleeping will go back to normal. Toys resemble fun being had. Laundry means that we're doing pretty well in life. Raising Clara is a gift only given to me by God himself. Momming is hard, but it's the best thing in the entire world. I can't wait until Reuben gets back, and he can truly experience the life of dadding because our child really is awesome. And even in the midst of all this awesomeness, there are some things that just suck slushies. Stay out of prison, y'all.
